Math Phobia

I was disappointed yesterday when all I could remember from my dream was that someone was yelling and screaming. The girl looked terrified in a funny way. You know, like those scary comedy movies.

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So anyway, it's amazing how we can remember real memories for life and dreams fizzle out as soon as they are taken over in our minds by real-life thoughts. My take on that is dreams don't have physical anchors (they are not actual memories in the physical world) and so their chance for being recalled is weak. Not like when you're visiting grandma and you can actually smell the stew in her house. In dreams, you see things but never have the support of other senses, which matter a great deal in the foundation of memories.

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And so before I forget (I can sense the information fading away again...) I might as well make a note of last night's dream.

I dreamed that I was still in college (seemed like it) and that I needed to go to my classes and I kept forgetting that I had some kind of intense math class that I FORGOT to attend for three consecutive weeks. In my dream, I was sure I was going to fail the course and I was contemplating of dropping the course just in time before I failed. But my professor (a really nice lady who seemed like one of my highschool teachers) kept on wanting to talk to me and I kept on trying to avoid her.

Weird.

I know there was so much more in that dream, unfortunately I can't remember them all.

The theme seems so typical of me, just being scared of my math courses -- doing so badly and failing to be in the dean's list in some semesters when I could have been just because of my math abilities, or lack thereof. I was surprised that I aced them in my graduate studies and even found myself tutoring some classmates. It was more of my fear being on the first layer before recognizing my real abilities. I also had very poor study habits for math, because of a pre-programming in my head that I would suck at it. Fearing before seeing the real picture. Surprisingly, I can conquer it! But the memories of days past -- especially the nerve-wracking math tests -- still surface once in a while. And perhaps because the death of my spiritual director in college recently brought me back a flood of memories from my college days...

I want to remember the many good times! Not the fear of math!!! LOL

But ain't it rather so typical that we humans automatically remember the bad first?

Butter

Since I am writing this mid-day, most of the details have faded already. I'm sorry.

But here it goes:
I woke up (in the dream) and was in pajamas. I think there was a party that's going to be held in our ancestral house. The day felt that way, people were busy preparing and cooking. I found myself walking away from the house and in the alley toward the neighbors at the back. I saw an old classmate (his name is Marvin) and they asked me what I was doing and I said I was just relaxing and didn't really have anything in mind, and I even tried to prove it by saying, "see? I'm still wearing jammies" Marvin said they have guests coming -- I think it was the city's fiesta because the even seemed city-wide and not just in our house. Everyone was busy preparing something. He told me to melt the butter as people would be coming soon to eat. I had a medium-sized bowl of solid butter which I melted on a tealight candle (a small bowl warmer tray that I have a home -- in real life) and I found that the butter had melted quite fast as I stirred with a spoon and I was happy with the result. I served the bowl of melted butter on their table.

The next scene, it was dark, and it was at our ancestral house. There was a wedding there. Our former housemaid Emma was getting married and was holding the grandest party ever. In my heart, I was happy for her but I was also puzzled why there was a wedding reception in our house. I wasn't questioning why SHE was holding the reception. I didn't care. I just questioned why we were now holding receptions at home.

I'm not sure why I had those images in my dream. Perhaps I regret not being there to see my dream (of turning our old Spanish-style ancestral house to a reception place) come into fruition. We had planned that a long time ago while I was still there, Intramuros-style, elegant, beautiful, quaint.

I've been dreaming of jammies lately too. Perhaps, it's as simple as me wanting and wishful thinking to somehow get some rest. After all, I've been really exhausted in real life lately.

Eeeew! Really!

In my dream, hubby and I just moved to the house that we just bought. It's not the same as our real house, they are in no way similar to each other in terms of structure. The house in my dream is a whole lot bigger, but older and uglier. I think it's in one of those high rise condominiums built in the 80's perhaps even older. It was big alright but it needed a lot of work. In my dream, we had a little housewarming party and I remember feeling "apologetic" about the house, and trying to convince myself and get the affirmation of others that we had a good deal, inspite of all the obvious imperfections. Hubby seemed to feel the same way but he was the usual life of the party entertaining guests.

Tita Fina was there (huh? I just dreamt of her a few days back...but maybe that's why "she" showed up again). She pointed to her daughter, my cousins. I went to say hello to them. They were holding plates and eating and I noticed that they had nice golden bronze puffy and coifed hair. I almost didn't recognize them. So gave Maribel and the other cousin Mayie a kiss. There were three more girls and I didn't realize that one was Ricci until they called my attention. I didn't recognize her because the hair (all coifed head were blocking my view) so I said sorry and said hi and then pretended to be busy.

And then I was surprised that two guys I used to date (AM and JP) showed up and I was jumping up and down, not because I was delighted to see them but because I was happy that I won (saying "winner, winner!"). I don't know what that was about. Perhaps because I had made a bet with someone as to who among the most impossible people to show up will show up. Something like that. Anyway, I was jumping so high my right flipflop slipper snapped.

I said hi to them and JP extended his hand to shake my hand, but I took it and kissed his cheek like a brother and as if it was the most casual thing to do, and it really was! And then I was nervous that they will finally meet, all three of them. AM, JP and my husband? But it wasn't an issue with my husband. The weird part was the thrill that I felt that AM and JP met, which was weird because they belong to two different stages in my life and there was really no way they could have encountered each other.

We hang out outside at the swing. We had a nice big backyard but it still needed work. There were a lot of things that needed work on that house like the outside wall that we could see from the backyard (the cement was chipping away). Inside, the tiles in the bathroom were so dated and I kept asking my husband when we could start fixing it, but we didn't have the funds yet.

And then that night, we were about to sleep, we explored our house and found out that it was really huge with so many rooms and bathrooms. There was one particular bathroom which had yellow tiles and the toilet bowl sat a little bit to the far right, with no tank or cover, just a bowl that was sticking out of the floor. Then husband (like he always does in real life) consoled me that we were going to fix things. And that made me feel better. I said, "Yes, we can divide the bathroom because it's big, and we can put a wall and make a closet on the other side". I checked the other side of the wall, to find out that it was leading to a bigger room, with outside access to a big patio that had several long lap pools (rectagular, maybe 25 feet long, but only 5 feet wide). The tiles were aqua or light-turquoise color and they were really dirty!

In my dream, I said, Oh my, we have swimming pools but they are dirty and that's a lot to clean, and there's no way I am going to bathe in there!

I found out that since it's a condominium complex, some of the pools belonged to other ownders in a another wing. I was just silently convincing myself to be grateful for the amenities.

I went back to the house and was awed some more about how huge it is. One door opening to another room, that has a door opening to yet another big room. There were rooms with a lot of beds (which I figured maybe the previous rented out to bed spaces) until I landed into a really really beautiful room with so many classy furniture and accessories and I said, "Finally, something nice" but a woman was eating on a dining table next to the room (the wide door was open) and she said, this is our space. I think they were the owners of the condominium building. The woman is actually a transvestite, which I judged from her (his?) looks and the voice, and the heavy make-up.

I got sad and inquired (in my typical assertive way when I am confused by seemingly stupid rules set up my smarty pants arses), BUT WHERE IS THE BOUNDARY? HOW DO WE KNOW WHICH SPACE IS OURS -- if you don't lock doors???

I woke up.

*duh*

(Fake) Red Bricks

I am in awe over how unpredictable the mind dances in one's dreams. Imagination gymnastics, in other words.

Last night, I dreamt that I was in my husband's workplace, and waiting for him to finish his job, when I saw that clumps of big fern-like plants everywhere. I asked what those were doing in an automotive shop with only metals, and tools around and certainly it was no place for foliage. Hubby simply told me that they need them for cars because when the ferns are poked, it fold and curls into a ball like a makahiya plant. So I poked one of them and saw that it indeed could curl into a large ball the size of beach balls and thos gymn balls that one uses for workout. I saw that his co-worker Eddie was poking the other balls and so the place looked like there were a lot of green plant balls. I rolled one and saw that there was a caterpillar underneath one and I pointed it out to them. The caterpillar was black and wasn't moving but it didn't look dead. I asked if they were going to take it out but in the next image, I was in a red room (probably the shop still because their floor is really made of red brick tiles)...

It turns out that the room was the workplace's restroom because I needed to take a shower. The restroom was clean and I noticed that the walls and the floor are made of red bricks. The water was running. I realized I was barefoot (which is my pet peeve especially if it's not in my own private bathroom) but in my dream I was surprised at myself that I didn't mind stepping on the bricks because it was so clean and the black lines in between the bricks weren't grime but were prints instead. I realized it was like a textured rubber linoleum of some sort in brick design. Then I was in the locker room after the shower (lounge area actually) and my cousin Joei came in and sat on an elevated platform (the seats there) which were also made of the rubber brick linoleum. She just told me that she was happy to see me because she needed to ask me something about child development, perhaps regarding her baby Amelia. And in my heart I was afraid I won't know anything about it anymore because it's been so long since I worked with kids.

The water was still running on my leg. Which was weird because I was already dressed. It seemed like I was still trying to wash my feet. And I was making someone wait because we needed to go. I don't know about that part anymore.

Something Fishy

Hurry self, hurry. Or I might lose them again...

Arrrrgh, I can't put them together. I don't know which image came first so I'm going to try mentioning them in random bullets:
-We were somewhere. I don't know where but some friends are there, their faces looked different in my dream but I was positive of their identities: Flo, Jeannie and her daughter Gwen and a bunch of other fuzzy faces.
-We were having fun and I was convincing them to stay up late (maybe in our house but the place looked different) and then Flo or Jeannie said, "Sure but we'll have to carry her home, can you carry her?" And I was like, oh no she's heavy (thinking it was someone -- one of those fuzzy faces). Then she said, no her -- pointing to Gwen. And I said, "Oh yes, no problem, if she falls asleep, I'll carry her to the car". Note: Feeling of confidence was suddenly evident and dominant during that time.
-That meant I also have to watch Gwen's pet fish. It's a big fish -- more like a whale of some sort and they entrusted it to me while Gwen was sleeping.
-I was so careless I had put in on our antique/vintage brick oven (all of a sudden the setting was our ancestral house back hom) and then there were flames on he oven and the fish (that was weird because all the while, it had been out of water) -- the fish caught fire, I saw flames coming through his body and out of it's mouth and then I realized that before we were able to rescue it, it had been cooked. It suddenly looked like how a big fried fish would normally look before you eat it, and the meat was coming off the body. Surprisingly, it revealed metal and a wire skeleton instead of normal fishbones. And they told me not to worry because this is the kind of fish that is engineered in a pet shop (maybe like the cyborgs -- like the seemingly human Terminator from the movie). The metal frame and wire were red and blue. The flame kept going and my cousin Martin and another guy were laying down on the top edge of the brick over and he started to roll next to the fish. I screamed and said, "NO! You might get burnt too!!!" so he retracted.
-I didn't feel so bad about the fish anymoresince I realized that it was "easily replaceable" and I didn't feel so bad for the loss of a pet's life. As the meat was slowly peeling out of the frame, a little fish came jumping out (while Jeannie was saying that it bears offsprings!).
-The little fish jumped into my fingers and I held on to it. I was surprised that I caught it between my thumb and index and middle fingers. Normally, I would miss a catch because I have poor reflexes hahaha.
The little orange fish looked like Nemo and it started wriggling on my hands. I was terrified (I don't like little things that wriggle) so I threw it to someone else.

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Then another image. I was napping while sitting on my desk at work (which I NEVER DO, OKAY!!) when I heard my co-worker, Stephanie mumble something that ended with the word "break". And I said (thinking that she wanted to remind me to take my break), I said, "Oh yes, I'm on my break right now." and then I looked at the clock and it said 3:22 or something. I went was 7 minutes over because I fell asleep.

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and yes, this dream needs a lot of time to unlock But I think I have the key somewhere. I'll be back !

A Consoling Hug

I hate it when I wake up and 5 minutes into awake consciousness , the movie in my sleep simply fizzles out of my memory.

The only image I remember from my dream last night was being physically there to console the family (some distant relatives of ours) especially Eric and Abigail because their 30-yr old brother, Jason (my sister's friend) passed away recently (My mom told me the news on the phone last night before I slept). All I can remember was...trying to figure out who to hug first. Abby or Eric? I was reluctant because in reality, I was really never close to them. We have just recently reconnected in Facebook. I picked Eric to hug first because he's the older one. They were really sad in my dream and I didn't know what to say.

That's all I could remember.

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Facebook. That's most likely the reason why thoughts of them have been floating around in my subconsious. Plus the fact that I talked to my sister Trina about Jason and she told me that she was going to the wake. I felt really sad to find out such a young man (as old as my youngest sister-- 30 yrs. old).

The nice part was being there, consoling them in their grief. The reluctance on who to hug first. That's so "me". I would be reluctant not because I'm stuck up, but because sometimes, I'm not sure if people will remember me. Maybe, I'm really shy. Maybe I don't believe much in myself. Or maybe, I just really want to be valued in this life - remembered, acknowledged, treasured.

On the other hand, I would like to believe this proves true the view that the doctor at work and I share (we've had good conversations about this): THOUGHT IS REAL, PHYSICAL IS THE ILLUSION.

If I want to be somewhere, that means I am really there. Dreams could be real. If I hugged someone in my dream, that means I really hugged the person. It doesn't necessarily mean it has to be the kind of hug that we grew up knowing. It could be a cosmic hug that defies physical boundaries. I believe it. Many times in my sleep, I hugged my parents (continents away) in my dreams. Upon waking up, I'm always 100% sure they felt it.

Aga Muhlach (?!), the Dark Room and the Witch

My first reaction when I woke up was... *duh*

Why on earth did I dream of Aga Muhlach (famous actor from the Philippines/former teen idol)...and how on earth did I dream that I was meddling in his love affair with Sharon Cuneta (famous actress from the Philippines). I don't think they have a relationship at all. But they were paired in a movie that I saw with my husband on DVD recently. So, I guess that explains it.

Then moving on to the next parade of fleeting images as most of my dreams consist of, I dreamt that I was laying down on the bed inside my parents' bedroom and for some reason, it seemed like I owned the bed. Like my parent's bed was my bed. It was dark, I could see the outside light (living room's) through the gap under the door. Then all of a sudden, someone knocked on the door. I asked who it was, it was my nephew Miko's voice and he was saying something like he needed to get in to get some stuff inside the room that he had placed earlier in the day. Perhaps he was leaving. That's usually how it happens when we have a party in the house. Anyway, I heard a second voice (my Aunt "Tita" Fina's) and she was getting something too. I told them to wait as I needed to dress "appropriately" changing from PJ's to pants. And in my dream I had a weird feeling that I was irritated because they were interrupting my sleep (and privacy).

And on to the next image...

There was a middle-aged woman (I don't know her!) in a black hood who was practicing witchcraft (wicca-style) in a little room with light green walls and there was a little girl with her. She was mumbling spells that I couldn't comprehend. All of a sudden, Halloween goodies appeared before us. Candies, black and orange themed party favors, candles...As it turned out, she said those spells because she didn't have enough to buy the stuff for the little girl but she wanted to make her happy so she said the spells to produce the goodies for free.

*duh* right?

Were all those visions representing ME? Especially the dark room -- I find PRIVACY as the main theme. I value my privacy. My life is an open book (as you can tell with my blogs) and I'm generous with what I want to reveal and seriously take it against people who tactlessly pry further or cross my boundaries.

The witch. These are probably remnants of my Wicca-phase. And because Halloween, admittedly, is still really my most favorite holiday of the year. I think it's because I just unearthed a picture of the Halloween Pumpkin I entered in the competition in 2008.

On a rather deeper level, I must be the witch.

Wanting to give so much, if only I have more...