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Hello!

Hi, do you remember me?

I'm sorry I had been missing in action and the last entry here was made in 2010.  But I'm back and hoping to stay. 

I was just reading through my past posts...and was wildly entertained!  There were dreams I don't remember having had anymore, and I guess that's the surprising part.  So reading back, I felt like I was poring through a stranger's dream diary.

I hope to be able to check in regularly again from now on. 

There are just so much that needs sorting out. In my dreams, and in reality.  Nuff said.

Dead People

I dreamed of two family members and a household help who have been long dead. For two nights in a row:

1. In my dream, my grandmother was still alive then (or appeared to be although I knew while it was happening that she had been dead for a long time). It's funny how in my dream, I just sort of accepted the fact that she was there even if I knew she shouldn't be. It was like two truths in my head co-existing just like that. Even Nanay Ana was there. She was our loyal cook while I was growing up. In my dream, we were in the midst of a flurry of activities...I coudn't quite pin the memory down. Was it in the middle of a move, or travel, or a trip somewhere? We were in an old house with cream/light yellowish-colored walls. It wasn't our ancestral house. Then Nanay Ana told us that she already got did everything that my grandmother needed to be done, like put up the picture frames on the wall. There were large nails on the wall and we wondered why she used large ones. I mean, they were big, humongous, dowel-like nails that were holding the frames on the wall...almost like daggers that bore through the wall rather crudely.

2. The next day, I dreamed of my uncle (my mom's brother), Tito Billy. He's been long gone. But in my dream, it's the same way, I was aware that he was dead, but didn't really resist the fact that he was there, like it's normal. I noticed that his skin was so flawless (he had a lot of dots and age spots and freckles when he was alive), almost like makeup by the coroner's perhaps? anyway, in my dream I asked him if I could tell the others that I saw him or something like that,b but it seemed that he didn't want me to. Then, I saw him walking in front of my other uncle (Tito Father) and he sort of blended with the group/crowd and I decided to bend forward to his direction to give him a kiss too like I was doing with the rest -- greeting them hello, but while I was doing it, he suddenly disappeared...faded away...vanished before my eyes. I was disappointed. I thought he was going to stay, but didn't.

Is it all because we are having this big family reunion next month? Is it because at the back of my mind, I wish they were still here to have fun with us -- not for me but for my mom and the rest of her siblings who will get together? Is it because, in a paranormal sense, they are telling me that they will be there nonetheless???

Sleep Paralysis

I haven't had sleep paralysis in months. And I just realized it a few weeks ago. I don't exactly miss it. But I miss the feeling of triumph every time I come out of it without having to stress through the process. Almost like I've mastered waking up from it -- like I've finally learned how to have a grasp of things while it happens, take it by the neck and put it back to its place. It's something I'm proud of but I don't talk about because it's strange.

And then I had it this morning after all these months! Did my recent thoughts on it cause it to happen??? It happened this morning during my usual window of extra sleep after my husband leaves for work and before I rise to get ready for mine. In my dream, there was a ruffling of sheets and a little shaking on the bed next to me. My eyes were closed but it felt like it was my husband stirring. IT FELT SO REAL. LIKE I COULD ALMOST FEEL THE MOVEMENT AND HEAR THE SOUNDS. Then I couldn't move. I guess was tiptoeing between conscious and unconscious. I was almost 100% sure (in my sleep and while I couldn't move) that it wasn't my husband causing it and I knew in my sleep that I was having sleep paralysis -- and this launched me into employing the techniques I've learned through time. I tried to relax instead of panic, waited, and moved my left hand. I was successful, and my right hand followed. And then I was awake. It's like night and day difference, which happened in split second. Almost like sleep had a door and I suddenly got out of it. It felt that way.

Looking back, it must have been some heavy freight trains going by in my area in the morning --they tend to cause our house to vibrate sometimes. Maybe that physical event intersected with my sleeping subconscious and created the dream explaining the physical event of movement by route memory of the senses.

In a paranormal/parasychological perspective, maybe a spirit visited me? But I'm not scared. I know in my heart that I am strong enough not to let them pierce through the walls of my own spirit. Too bad!!! Hehehe. God always protects me. I always trust my soul to him and rest in his bosom while I sleep. That's why I don't fear these things... It's a gift!

But I'm inclined to believe it is the train that might have caused it. And I'm just happy to be sort of "awake" in my sleep. It's a skill!

A Dream suddenly recalled -- Broom

It's amazing how the brain works. I could swear I can no longer remember some dreams of late that I've been trying to squeeze off my mind until yesterday, while I was driving home, I suddenly remembered one:

In my dream, my parents were finally here for a visit and they brought me my order of the Glitter Tattoo set that I used to earn a little money from as a side business when I was still in the Philippines. I used to be hired as a tattoo artist in children's parties. In this dream, I ordered a bunch, with so many refills of different colored glitter dust in those tiny bottles! I was so happy, even the kits (it's like a small toy toolbox) were shrink-wrapped (like how the bottles were when you order the refills).

How funny that I wasn't even thinking about it. But it's true that my parents are coming, and I'm looking forward to what they can bring for me which aren't accessible here for me. Maybe it's my subconscious suggesting that I do it here again. I know there is some potential in it. It's like a light bulb. Maybe I should call my contact and have my parents pick it up before they come here.

Yippy!

PS. Oh, I just remembered! The kits came with a broom. They never did. I mean, what's up with the broom???

Random Recollections

• In my dream, I was drinking beer. The bottle was almost finished when I realized that I had given up alcohol for Lent. And I was so disappointed at myself for forgetting. I sincerely didn't remember and I wanted to kick myself for breaking my promise. I think this is self-explanatory. Sometimes, when there are times when I "slip" it's not because I wanted to but because I'm just too scatter-brained to remember.
• In my dream, we went on a field trip somewhere and passed by some small bodies of water, like a long rectangular pools? Or rice paddies? It felt funny because I was flying by above them. As if I was viewing from a window of an airplane that's about to land. The images were small so I couldn't be on the same plane as them. I was above them. I was watching from my right side, as if I was peeking through the window while we go lower and lower. . But in my dream, I wasn't on a plane. I could even feel the wind. Could I have been flying? Astral traveling? Again???
• Water again. This is the only piece I remember a dream I had about two weeks ago. That someone was asking me to walk on water? And I said no I can't do that. I'll sink. But we got closer to the water and I saw that there's a small panel (like a narrow bridge) under the top of the water, maybe just a few inches from the top of the water, enough to step on and appear like you're walking on it, but in reality, there is something solid underneath. And I said, oh, this is how people are able to cheat, like in a magic trick. I've always believed that there is a way to achieve something impossible....and it is by coming up with solutions in order to work around a predicament. It's my favorite task...finding solutions...but I didn't say I love that I love the stress that it comes with!

This dream is fresh! Just last night... (coz sometimes I wait a little to enter it here electonically)

There were so many random images so I'm not sure about the sequence. Anyway, here they are:

1. The hubs and I went somewhere and we rented a car. We were given two cars instead of one. Mine was a light yellow sportscar -- I forgot the name. I think it's not a valid car name. It sounded like Jaguar but it's really something else...Jetsports? J-cooler. Funny. I was scared because I didn't want to drive and travel by myself in unfamiliar territory
2. We went to a big house I just remembered white and green interior and the size was almost like a building (the study hall) in the university I attended. When we were inside, we kept going deeper into the mansion and we passed a big open door with curtains and it felt so cold, like the airconditioner was blasting. It was so cold, not the scary kind of cold, but just the a/c blasting, I could almost feel the waft. Then all of a sudden it was reeking of illness. Not necessarily rot, just disease. There were rows of single beds...like a hospital ward or a traditional dormitory and I saw old people laying down on each. I think it was a care home or a seniors hospice care of some sort. I felt so sorry for the old people. some were bloody (but not dead)...maybe the blood was oozing from regular wounds. One was bloody on her chest. I could smell it, like something fishy. It was unpleasant but I was riding along with it, not complaining, because I didn't want to offend them. Plus, it was bearable for me and I could really soldier on. Most of the "patients" were overweight, and I meant humongous and deformed because they have filled up and gotten so big on the wrong places of their body...like elephantiasis, and the like.
3. We were outside with my parents. I think we were taking them out for some sight-seeing. The view was absolutely awesome, almost like one of the most wondrous works of nature I've ever witnessed. Really beautiful. It's almost like being in the movie Avatar (maybe that's where my dreaming mind got the idea from). Like floating clouds or fog? Hanging mountains? Lots of green. And a really wonderful view of the ocean. We were outside, but it appears that we were high on top of something, like a rooftop of a skyscraper. And we were enclosed in glass. It was like a tourist spot, almost. I found out that it was like one of those rotating restaurants. But sadly, we started to spin around too fast. And in different random directions like a wild roller coaster ride. Too fast that I got so dizzy in my dream.

For Scene #1: I can't think of any explanation for this except for what it really is... I hate to drive, especially in unfamiliar places. I'm just a scaredy cat like that.

#2: We were just talking about what my husband and his siblings are going to do with the carehome -- since their mom passed away following a bad fall while under their care(hemorrhage). They were actually just thinking of letting it go instead of sue them. I really don't care what they decide on, I'll fully support them. But maybe that's why I dreamed of it. About the coldness of the place, maybe physiologically, it just had gotten too cold for me last night.

#3: I can't wait til my parents come and visit because we'll definitely bring them around, and see different places. Maybe I got dizzy because I was dizzy in real life? Oh no, am I being unhealthy again?

A Moviestar borrowed by celphone and never returned it!

It's a funny dream alright. I was in a place where there was some events going on. I heard that Bea Alonzo (a movie celeb in PI) was coming and in my dream, it's like I knew her personally or we had some connections.

We saw each other and she needed a celphone so I let her use my iPhone (I can vividly remember seeing the pink protective casing as I handed it to her). I think I was being hospitable or welcoming, but at the back of my head I was like "Yeah! I can tell the world that a moviestar used my mobile!!!". She also took a lot of pictures with it (so I was happy that I get to keep some of the photos as proof that she used it! *duh*) I remember that she and i were thinking of ways how she can get the pictues out so she can keep copies for herself.

But the day dragged on and she never returned my phone. That's what I get for trying to be nice to someone popular.

Then I was inside the car (the backseat) and about to leave when I saw two of of the young ladies I used to dance hula with. They started waving at me, then running after the car as if asking us to stop. So we stopped, I rolled down the window and one of them (Rosie?) told me something about going back to hula.

I'm not sure what to make out of this dream. The celeb part -- I guess, I must admit that knowing some popular people or being connected to them at one point in my life is actually cool. But that's all there is to it. There were times when I was excited to share to the world that someone actually wanted to date me but I couldn't, and I would talk in puzzles to friends just to let some feelings out. And that there was this kind of popular guy who kept calling me at one point. It was fun telling some friends about it, but that's it. At the end of the day, you realize they are real people too, and in fact, you realize that it's very brave of them to trust you with their innermost feelings and pain -- when you can easily use that against them, or shout to the world about it. I kept a lot of secrets that this person told me...many times I was tempted, not because I wanted to ruin him, but because I wanted to scream to the whole world that we share this deep connection and I was liking it. Though I couldn't. And I wouldn't. Never ever will!

About the hula girls...that was from Facebook. I heard that they are going back to hula this summer. I think it came out in my dream because I was having the same situation. I haven't gone to a single class for the past months, and I'm planning to go back and dance again. With my hula sisters.

Vintage Magnolia Bottles and the PLANT (again)

Okay, so in my dream, we were re-organizing our work area and moving things around (which makes sense because we are actually expanding at work, and managers are moving -- although not really my department). Then out of the blue, someone told me, I think it was Olaf from the warehouse, he told me that I could take the plant home and that he's got my back because he's friends with the plant guy (the plant maintenance guy who comes in once a week to water, and dust the plants). I was hesitating, but someone just cut a big stem off and told me that I could take it home, and so I put it in a huge plastic bag and brought it to the trunk of my car (which looked like the back of a van, actually) or perhaps my CRV back home. It appeared that someone was driving for me (Raquel's brother?), and we got busy packing my car with other stuff I could take home from what seemed like an office give-away or yard sale. (I think I also saw my old friend Adoralyn in my dream). I remember looking through vintage Magnolia glass bottles and I was so excited I wanted all of it. I was focused on a glass bottle that was shaped like a big shoe and I remember muttering, "My dad will like this!" and also a big pitcher, and some chocolate and milk bottles I remember from my childhood.





I don't know what to make of this strange dream -- but one thing is for certain, I still yearn for a Massangeana Cane plant like what I have at my cubicle at work:

I want one for the corner of my kitchen and one for my living room, and I still don't want to spend a single cent for it. So I am still hoping that one day, I will get one for free. Like old vintage bottles and anything with an antique flair -- which I have so much passion for. And if they're free, it's more meaningful and so much better. And my dad! We just share a lot of the same interests that most of the time, I see something that he would like and stuff like that...

The driver -- maybe I miss someone driving for me on my errands? Or maybe I just struck a window, like a mere intersection of past memories, short-circuiting in my brain. Like having Adoralyn there. Just recently, I posted a shoutout in Facebook addressed to her, telling her to stay in touch (because we've been checking out old photos of our highschool class that our classmate posted on Facebook).

I still want a plant though...

Hubby's Ex and my Mother-in-law, not exactly in the same scene

Funny. This will be brief because I hate talking about her. I hate THINKING about her, hahaha. Anyhoo, in my dream, she was still talking a lot to my hubby, like everytime she needs something, consult something, need help on something (which actually was how it was -- still is sometimes-- in real life). In my dream I was just tired of it, but also sort of laughing because she still seemed desperate to have a piece of him, even in little instances (or every opportunity) when she needs help or something. In my dream, I saw a wedding invitation which I thought was hers. I felt kind of relieved that she was finally marrying off and someone else can finally take care of her. But it was a false alarm, it turned out it was her sister getting married. The ex wasn't getting married yet after all. Which was rather disappointing...

I can't wait for the day that she finds someone else so someone can finally take care of stuff that only men can take care of, like car problems, gymn problems...stuff like that. Or that I don't want her to bother us no more. On a deeper level, maybe I want her to be happy too. Har har har!

Early in the morning, shortly after my husband leaves for work, and before I officially rise for work, I usually have that window of light sleep. Following the Dream about hubby's EX, I dreamt that someone was throwing slinkies on our staircase, it felt so really I could almost hear it from the bedroom. I felt a little scared and thought it was a ghost -- but I usually dismiss these things. I'm not really scared of ghosts, I was probably excited to witness one and conquer it. I don't wish to see one, but if I do, I know I'll try to confront it and see if I can help it move on, or see if there is a message for me at all (hopefully a winning lotto ticket!). That's when I had a dream that my dead mother-in-law was hugging me. Actually, she felt so alive, and we were dancing (some kind of waltz -- like in a celebration of some sort). She was wearing the deep orange sweater I gave her one Christmas. My arms were around her waist-- it felt so real, and she was holding me too. Then I woke up.

I don't know what to make of this. In a paranormal perspective, maybe she did visit me. In the dream, she was almost like trying to cheer me up. Or we were in the middle of something joyous. Maybe, psychologically, I just yearn for that "something joyous" over what's going on in my husband's family and the estate and trust issues, following her death last year. Maybe I yearn to show everybody that I didn't go amiss with my responsibilities as a daughter-in-law (the sweater, and dancing with her) while she was still alive and I'm proud I have no regrets about how I treated and loved her.

My Old Friend

In my dream, my bestfriend of 20+ years and his wife and kid visited me here in the USA. It was just a little weird, he hugged me and asked if it's possible for me not to go to work and I said it's okay. We could all spend the day somewhere else. What's weird about it was I was worried about missing work -- which actually was like school, because I was going to miss my PE class and I might not graduate. Something like that.

Then there was so much randomness in the images that followed -- us going to a hotel and I got lost. All the furniture were big, like exaggerated big, I felt like Alice in Wonderland. Then another fleeting image of us being in a house somewhere, I think it's in PI. But there was some comotion next door at the neighbor's house, someone was murdered. I saw the cops carrying the body and it was in a very crude plastic bag. It brushed my leg, and I saw it, and I realized it was a dead child.

The first scene with my bestfriend (well, first of all I just looked at their photos in Facebook, so maybe that's why they figured in my dream) shows a recurrent theme in my past dreams. Being worried and overcome with anxiety about forgetting a homework, coming to class unprepared, taking a test without studying, waking up late for school or work because the alarm clock didn't go off, or just completely forgetting a responsibility and being so scared that it would get me in so much trouble.

I guess I grew up having that fear and so much pressure in my environment in my real life. My grandmother neatpicking on my spelling...comparing me to my cousins...my fleeting attention (Attention Deficit?) and artistic nature, trying to cope with it by catching myself and usually failing to do so. Having so many ideas in my head while being stuck in a paradigm that other people -- like my parents (though they didn't have bad intentions and were merely doing what they know best) -- have defined for me. And trying to live up to it. Trying so hard to the extreme that it was rather maddening. It always felt like not being where I have always wanted to be and forcing it in because of fear. I'm far away now, with a complete reign on my life (I'd like to think so), but that fear still comes out sometimes. It took me a while in my adult life to realize that it's okay to be out after dark because I was already an adult. I was just too scared of my grandmother.

The next random scenes? Watching too much Criminal Minds on CBS and A&E (staying up too late on marathons) is responsible for that.

Or is it?

Triple Treat

It's been months since I updated this Dream Journal. I've been busy with some others. I'm sad because most of the dreams that visited me through those months of absence have now sunken completely in the abyss of forgottendom (is there such a word hahahah).

Here are snippets from three dreams that I managed to retain in my memory:

1. My mom and dad visited me here in the US and I introduced them to my stepdaughter's mom (who I'm actually friends with) but my mom just politely said hi and seemed not to agree with my gesture.

It's hard to explain. Back home, this might be frowned at, but I treat my stepdaughter's "other" family (her real mom, her stepdad and her little sister) as my extended family. Our relationship is good (not just civil, but actually more than that)...we've formed this friendship that looks after first and foremost, my stepdaughter's welfare and well-being, and also after ourselves...it's just peaceful, warm and nice. I feel lucky. But I've also done my part as much as they have done theirs. The only thing I'm worried about sometimes is my parents' concerns. They are quite traditional and conservative. I think it's my mom's fear of me getting hurt, or things going ugly. But I still yearn to make her understand that it's all okay. I still fear that she won't understand. Especially when the time comes that they might all meet.

2. We had a small gathering somewhere back home, a beachfront. It was huge. And I found myself admiring the view and the sunset while lounging on a beach chair And then I was told that they were our property. But in that dream I was leaving soon, for USA. And in my heart I was regretting a little bit having to leave that paradise and eventually being nowhere close to it.

This dream speaks for itself. Oh the comfort, resources and stature I gave up and left to pursue the love of my life in America. For me, it's really the other way around. Big time.

3. We were attending a fiesta in the Philippines. Shuttling from dad's ancestral house to mom's ancestral house...it was chaotic with all the guests. I remember walking in a pathway were there's so many people celebrating, it smelled like smoke from the caterers' warmers (and live cooktops -- sizzling beef and stuff? Mongolian?). Then mommy called me to tell my dad that she needs reinforcement from the caterer in the other house. she needs some eggs cooked/fried.

Weird. But a typical slice of fiesta life back home. I don't think my mom will ask help from the other caterer though. Sometimes, mom's food is the rescuer when the others run out.

What do all of the above tell me about what occupies my subconscious? Am I weighed down by the past and the home I wish to carry with me every I go? Is that good or bad?

Late for Work and some PLANTS, yes Plants

The dream occurred sometime after hubby left for work at 6:15am and before I "officially" woke up at 7:00am.

In my dream I woke up late (of course, I run through that challenge everyday!!!) the clock showed 8:45 or something and I remember debating if I wasn't really running late yet thinking that it's just one of the clocks that we haven't adjusted since time "fell back" in the beginning of fall.

Oh well.

So I rushed to work. And then the guy who usually comes twice a week to water our plants was there and I remember him cutting off some of the branches of the plants and I remember asking him if I could replant them at home...especially the tiny baby shoot that I've always been eyeing -- in real life, from my Messengeania cubicle plant, which grew bigger and bigger as days passed by and I never had the courage to pluck for fear of the plant maintenance guy finding out. *bleh*

Oh well, only shows how practical and resourceful I could be to have what I want if I really want it (it's a plus if I can get it for free!) -- or cheap, remember my Chanel Fever Dream?

Old Flame

This is funny and pretty amusing so I thought I'd write it down before my memory fails me again.

I just remembered having this dream like maybe last week or two weeks ago but I never had time to write it down.

In my dream, my highschool crush was there. He's one of the many highschool crushes! But though short-lived, I can say that it's special -- almost puppy love kind of special. Come to think of it, he's really the first one I ever dated, yeah yeah, in the school cafeteria, after school hours for about half an hour or so, just hanging out by ourselves, sometimes with our many friends. But yeah, it was pretty special but I remember that after admitting to him that I also had feelings, I sort of broke it off a month after because I was scared of getting serious and scared of getting in trouble with my parents. I know I had hurt him. But really, 3 boyfriends later, when people ask me who counts the most (not including my hubby, of course), I still think he's the one that I will always have fond memories of. You know, a soft spot somewhere in your heart....deep down there like a tiny dot that matters.

So there, now that you know who he is to me. The dream goes like this:

It was the moment when I told him that I "love" him (like highschool...you know that stuff)... It was cheesy but it's really not how it happened in 1988. In the dream, there was a tray of cupcakes (or something...it's food, definitely, hahaha)....and then he told me to pick one cupcake if I love him back. And of course I took a cupcake.

And then his face lit up, so happy. And then I realized, oh my God, did I just "say" I love you too? hahaha. I was scared and thrilled, and deep inside I knew I wasn't supposed to, but then I couldn't help it. And stuff like that.

And then my dream ended.

It's probably because I watched a cheesy love story recently. Or because I was reminded of Dennis (yes, that's his name!) after reconnecting with all his friends in FaceBook and yes, because we are having our 20th anniversary High School reunion soon.

*SIGH*

Dream Baby

A few days ago...there were fleeting images in my dream again (but that's really how dreams usually are). What remains in my memory is holding a baby, a little child, perhaps a toddler, he was a boy and he was hugging me back and holding on to me as if I was his source of comfort. He was sleeping with his head on my shoulder and we were just in a perfect hug...almost locked together in a perfect manner, not too tight and not loose, no uncomfortable angles. How should I say it....WE FIT EACH OTHER LIKE A GLOVE?

Perhaps it's because of so many babies and toddlers around me lately. Plus, with my sister expecting. Or is it me yearning to have my own?

I just remember a really really peaceful feeling.

But it didn't last long because in my dream, I think we were in a party and I caught somewhere else and I realized that the baby was no longer with me and I couldn't find him and I remember thinking, "Oh maybe he went back to his mom and his through with me -- coz you know how babies have fleeting attentions." And I remember NOT INSISTING TO FIND HIM, more like I was resigned and that I was ready to move about without him. Resigned in a way that I've had my fill and I was done too.

Am I moving on from the sad place when my own baby died? This yearning to have my own baby -- another one, a live one this time... Am I starting to be at peace with actually not bearing one just yet?

Do I really want one to begin with or am I contented with playing with someone else's kids now? That way it isn't a full-time job?

Bite the bullet, Clarisse.

My Chanel Fever

Three weeks ago, I had a multiple-images kind of dream once more...but aren't all dreams like that?

I forgot the rest of the dream but what struck me was the event in my dream where one of my really high-society aunts was selling her used and vintage designer stuff like clothes, and purses. I spotted a Chanel tote that I really really wanted to buy but in my dream I was shy to speak my mind at first (I guess that's how I really am sometimes) and another aunt spotted it and went ahead and bought it. And I couldn't complain even if I saw it first, because I really didn't offer to buy it first!

I can't begin to tell you how that felt. Hahaha.

Material things. I am really not a materialistic person, and I don't let brand names define who I am as a person. I strongly believe that it is not what you wear or carry that must define you, IT SHOULD BE WHAT'S INSIDE YOUR HEART THAT MUST SHAPE WHO YOU ARE (in your eyes, in other people's eyes, and in God's eyes).

BUT!!!

Of course, as a woman, I have my wishes too. The only signature/designer brand that I really really really like is CHANEL. And I can prove that to you by saying that last Christmas, all I wanted was a simple Crayola Glow Station and thought to myself that I would be truly disappointed if hubby made good of what he has always wanted for me -- to buy me another Louis Vuitton purse. Yes, I'd choose Crayola over Louis Vuitton. I'd choose a new sketchpad over a Coach bag.

BUT!!!

Chanel is a different story. I'm in love with it. It's simple, elegant and not trendy. It sort of speaks about the WOMAN's taste not the size of the pocket of the one that carries it. Although, sadly it's true too because the prices are unbelievably sky-rocketing high.

And hubby got me a brand new Chanel purse sometime this year (that cost an arm and a leg...and as I always say, a head). And I said I'll stop wanting for more, but deep inside, I am yearning for another one.

I don't care if it's vintage, or pre-owned. I was just hoping to have another one. I've been scouring websites and frantically hoping to bump into one more.

Ergo, the dream.

*sigh*

Woman.

Mini Mini Cooper (as in super small)

There are so many things I cannot remember anymore as I write this...3:26pm. But one thing is for sure, I went to the church yard (similar to when I was going regularly to serve as lector when I was in high school), then I was about to go home. I don't know why but it seemed that I didn't have my car at that time. And then I saw a Mini cooper (it's really extra low and small, like almost a kid's play car) and I said oh, they will let me borrow this. So I used it. Then I realized that I got rear-ended, or I must have parked right into the wall, or another car, because I saw that the two rear-lights were broken and crushed. I was like, oh no, I'll get in trouble. But maybe I won't if I don't tell. Then in my dream I was like, oh no, I should tell. It's not good not to tell since it's my fault!

Integrity. I value it.

But it doesn't mean I'm not scared of getting in trouble, and sometimes TEMPTED to save my a$$ just so I don't get in trouble.

Funny that I dream of this right after a boo-boo I had at work last Thursday which sent my sanity careening off its axis. No sane person would like to get in trouble at work, especially at this time and economic situation where lay-offs abound. I remember trying to find ways on how to explain myself (maybe sugar-coating a fact or totally omitting it). I'm still hoping and praying that I didn't do such a bad thing hahaha.

Maybe I was being overly paranoid!

But yeah. Integrity. I value it.

It still wins in my heart.

Bicycle again...

A couple of days ago, I dreamed of this. Yup, riding again.


It was a narrow road, with vegetation on each side. Green surroundings! The road was concrete. One long straight road with different elevations, highs and lows, cycling...cycling...cycling...

In my dream, I knew where I was going but I sensed a feeling of fear (yet confronting and overcoming it anyway) while I rode along on downhill slopes akin to rollercoaster drops. I just remember gripping the hand brakes hard and modulating my speed and managing not to fall anyway.

Funny thing too was...I stopped at this house (my cousin's house?) in the middle of a field and my grandmother's cousin who I fondly called Lola Liling (Rest in Peace) was there. She said she's the only one there in the house but she appreciates my visit and wanted to send me some goodies before I left (like food most likely).


Maybe I really do have real-life problems on BALANCE. Whether it's about balancing my priorities or time, maybe I'm really eating more than I can chew. Maybe I just have so many interests and passions. Isn't that supposed to be good though?

OR...

because right now, I am in the middle of working out so many things for hubby and I -- setting some financial responsibilities straight, in the midst of tasks and paperwork...chores...projects, projects, projects that leave my creative mind bursting at its seams.

Sometimes I'm scared, but I'm standing up to the responsibilities -- usually able to accomplish goals anyway, solving problems, executing game plans, the whole nine yards...

And Lola Liling. I don't know. Maybe I miss her. Maybe I miss home. Maybe I miss the care and concern that I used to get a lot of from elders (the adults when I was a kid -- mom, dad, grandparents), because I am an adult now and holding my own... Because I am an adult now and responsible for others' lives now too.

Or in a paranormal point of view, maybe, she is watching over me. Who knows?

Philippines

I just wrote here yesterday that I haven't remembered my dreams -- seemingly not having had any dream at all, and I woke up this morning suddenly remembering bits and pieces! I'm over the moon! What a coincidence. The workings of the mind are really puzzling, and amazing.

Anyway.

In my dream, my hubby and I were on a short visit to Philippines (similar to our visit in 2008) and I remember having sad feelings that the visit is too short. What I can remember is having been able to spent one straight week in my hometown Batangas where we had so much fun and family bonding with my sisters and my parents.

The trip was ending and I was getting sadder and sadder about the thought of leaving. I remember packing the suitcase. I had the suitcase wide open on my old bed, and I temporarily rested my glass of wine on it while I did other things. It was so vivid, even seeing that almost empty glass sitting inside the left corner of the suitcase (the suitcase was still disorganized without much stuff in), and me making sure it doesn't get knocked down and spill.

Then my sister Trina approached me. She seemed to be in highschool still (she's married now) and while we were looking out my bedroom window, she showed me a "mimeographed" handout in recycled paper, reminiscent of our old test papers back then. She was complaining that her project assignment was a Christmas Tree made of cherries. She didn't want it to look red, because she said a Christmas tree should look like a Christmas tree -- green leaves and all.

Then we were leaving for Manila and soon to the airport, I told everyone I wanted to stop by my mom's work (at the bank) first to spend a little more time before I say goodbye. (but my mom has been retired for more than a decade now!)

Those are the things I can remember so far. I am not surprised that I dreamed of this because I was just talking to my mom last night. Plus, I've been realizing lately how much I miss my parents and wish I can be there for them now that they are getting older. As to why I've been dreaming of old memories - my sister being young and my mom still working, I don't know. It's a puzzle to me. Perhaps it's just long-term memories coming back, as my growing homesickness subconsciously digs it up. I've been having little recollections here and there of my childhood, triggered by different stimuli for my senses, a smell, some food, an image, even the weather and the look of the sky -- all a pleasure to have!

Wanting to visit my mom at work before I left? It represents only one thing...that I'm pining to spend each little time I can get to be with her. And my dad too. (Although perhaps it was only my mom I was going to visit that day because she's more the obvious emotional one and I wanted to appease her feelings too -- which applies to this day) But in that dream, it was really more of wanting to spend every little time left. I'm always scared of having very little time left with them. That thought eats me up most of the time.

And my sister and her Christmas tree, it's very real in a sense that it reminds me of how she stands by her principles in life. And how she'd fight for them, stick for them all the way.

The wine? I was just drinking wine last night when because hubby cooked some steak. I sometimes do anyway to wind down after a hard day's work. Or when the mood calls for it.

And why I was visiting Philippines? My brother-in-law and his wife are there visiting some folks. Perhaps I wish I was visiting at this time too. No, not perhaps.

No Dream

I haven't been dreaming lately. Just kidding. Then that means I haven't been sleeping too.

I haven't been remembering my dreams. If at all, they fizzle out as soon as I proceed to my daily awake affairs.

That's sad. That means I'm too busy again. Perhaps too stressed out to have enough room to remember what my sleeping mind has to offer.

Slow down, girl.

Slow down.

Surreal...

...because in my dream it snowed in the Philippines and I was like, oh no, the rooftops aren't snow-ready.

...then suddenly we were by the beach supposedly to see the frozen waters, then we saw huge shells and we started collecting them. I was able to collect a lot of big shells. Then we went back to the resthouse and saw Lynn and Jok (someone I went to dance school with, who had been quite a character, a bitch to me to be frank about it -- she hated me because I was nice *duh*). But I was willing to be there in the same room with her and forget about the stupid things she did. In my dream, I was like, "yeah, those things are irrelevant now". Anyway, I then realized I took some small sea creatures with me when I got the shells. Like two small black fishes that suddenly were biting my hand and clinging on to it as if they were leeches. In my dream, I remember the pain, it was stinging, sucking like a vacuum kind of pain on my hand but I just let it. I didn't know what to do so I let them stick on my hand and do whatever it was they were doing.

Weird. Surreal. Maybe because I was watching Andrew Zimmern of Bizaare Foods harvest sea urchins, and giant clam-like sea creatures for food. Or maybe because I really hate leech-like people who suck the energy out of me. But then, I still let them be. That sucks. (Pun intended).

PS. The setting is Philippines once more. My "home".

"Greedy Ass!"

I don't know how I can say that to anyone except to my husband in a joking manner when let's say he's teasing me and doesn't want to share his ice cream.

But then I said that in my dream a couple of days ago. To "L", a nephew who I haven't even talked to for years. In my dream we were in our ancestral house (dad's side) and we were given a huge box of fruit bars (popsicles) and we all rushed to the box to get one. But I was slow and a little late that there was no more left for me but then I realized that L took two and put one in his pocket (which was a little off because why would one store a popsicle in his pocket?). I felt bad about it and wanted so much to say my piece so I walked past him and mumbled loud, "GREEDY ASS!".

I get that kind of aggression sometimes in my dreams because I don't really lose it in my waking moments. But my bad feelings would show in my dreams (very much like my dad). Especially when INJUSTICE is involved.

At this point in my life, I have learned to speak up sometimes but I still hold back a lot because I want peace and I just try to understand instead of stoop down to some people's level of thinking.

I don't know why this one showed up in my dream. I do know for a fact that I've been around some greedy people lately and in my heart I'm wishing (and itching) to be in a place where I can put them to their place! But I'm not.

Nuff said.



PS. Our ancestral house = I've been getting a lot of these lately, some memoirs whizzing by even in my waking moments. Perhaps I just miss home, or yes, homesick, maybe. Like I'm really far away from my roots now, though obviously I'm carrying that place along with me wherever I went. Inside my heart.

Nose Bleed

How can my dream of myself having a profuse nosebleeding be so comforting?

In my dream, I had to keep changing tissues because my nose was bleeding like crazy. The good part was that I wasn't worrying at all because my mom was with me and she seemed to be in charge of the situation (as she really has always been since I was a sickly child) -- coordinating what to do, checking out which doctor to call, buying medicines if necessary, coming up with the whole game plan to restore me back to good health. In my dream she not only did the coordination with my health concerns but told me she'd give me money regularly too where in my dream I also refused to accept and told myself that if she insisted, I'll save all that money to buy her a present or return it in a big lump sum for her to use, not because I'm not being grateful but because I want her to use it and I feel in my heart that she and my dad deserve to use it.

I am amazed at the power of a dream to define your real life's affairs. At this point, I have been faced with so many health challenges -- the chest pains being the latest one so far and I keep trying to put them at bay so I try not to see the doctor as much as I can. I am not really a hypochondriac and usually dismiss them like they are nothing yet, at the back of my head, the symptoms simply tug on an internal alarm that says, "hey, pay attention this time!" It's a struggle for me to make an appointment with the doctor maybe because I'm scared of what I'll hear...yet at the same time, I also yearn for medical attention when symptoms get alarming.

It's scary, this whole health thing is...Especially now that as an adult, I am MY OWN ADVOCATE. If I want to get well, I need to kick my own butt and seek the solutions by myself.

Maybe that's why I had this dream. I miss my mom doing all these for me, that deep down inside, something tells me that I wish I can go back home and be a kid again.

Creepy *LOL*

So...

Can someone please explain why on Sept 15, I dreamed of a big flood as ominous as the movie "The Perfect Storm" and riding a rubber raft and feeling so end-of-the-world-ish?

Does it make me a pseudo-psychic that 10 days later, it actually happens to the Philippines?

I will never look at this tragedy with amusement, but I can't help but have that flicker of wonder why I did have that kind of dream. The vision now backed up by real images in actual photos and stories. *sigh* Creepy, isn't it?

Maybe it's just a coincidence. Maybe I'm just really born to conjure the creepiest of things, even in my dreams. And there's no connection at all. Like two decades ago when I dreamed of seeing my BFF's dad in the coffin and ten days later, he was shot to death. Hopefully it's just a coincidence because it's creepier than I can handle. Perhaps.

Hopefully.

On a lighter note, three nights ago, I dreamed that I didn't have time to clean the bathroom (seriously) and then I stepped on the tiles and noticed how dirty and black and grimy it got in between the tiles. And then upon closer look, they were actually mold that has gotten thicker, almost carpet-like between the tiles. I remember feelings of panic and embarassment that I haven't cleaned, hahaha. First of all, what's up with bathrooms and dirty tiles? It's not the first time they showed up in my dreams. I have yet to unlock their meaning. But feelings of panic and embarassment...now that could be real. As I have always been caught up in a flurry of activities (aka a horrible social calendar) that it is usually a struggle to squeeze in some time to clean. I'm not exactly one dirty filthy thang...but!

Anyhoo, maybe some of my dreams really have predictive tendencies.

For instance, if I really don't clean up my master bedroom's bathroom, I would end up with the most horrifying dirty grimy tiles...in...*what's the usual time period for my dreams to come true again*...10 days. WATCH!

LOL!!!

Flood Rafting

Overcoming fear (or at least desperately trying to). I noticed that this is a prevalent theme in my dreams.

I have actually forgotten about this dream (from the other night or something) and I forced myself to remember because I knew it was somewhat relevant.

The only thing I remembered was...okay...it's like a scene in THE PERFECT STORM (movie). It was in the middle of the night, there was a big flood -- more like a national/global calamity like, uhm, what was that movie...where New York City froze? The feelings it evoked were the same as from the movie. Like it was the end of the world of some sort and we were relying on some emergency assistance. There's chaos everywhere, people were coming together to help each other, etc etc.

My husband and I were tasked to ... check this out...bring a group of people (family members) on a small raft across the flood (or rough seas) where there was no guarantee of being able to make it nor being able to come back.

Weird. I remember checking all my material belongings and letting go of each one. Holding on to only what was essential. I remember holding on to some stuff that my mom gave me, or something that ties me to her. I remember feeling very sad to be leaving behind sentimental stuff (not necessarily because of their material value -- but more of the deeper meaning they brought forth). EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENTS!!!

My husband came and asked," Are you ready to cross with me?" and I put on my life jacket (just like in the movies!!!), turned around and said yes. I was ready. In my heart, something made me feel so brave. Heroic, almost.

This dream is really interesting because with it came out a lot of what's inside me. Recently, when my mother-in-law passed away, my husband's cousin tried to bring the family together (in-laws and "outlaws" included). I was hurt personally, because she didn't see nor recognize (well, how could she know, she's not really around immediate family all the time), how my husband and I in the past three years have tried to work so hard to keep his family together, even if that meant running face to face with bitches, I soldiered on, working hand-in-hand with my husband to keep the family together, inviting ALL of them to our parties at home, or when we felt like going out.

The dream sort of reminds me of how hubby and I really are in real life -- trying to be lifesavers, albeit not very successful on it, and how this role affects our personal life too. Nonetheless, lifesavers we are, baby-sitting 40-yr old siblings, rescuing confused teens, keeping bitches at peace with each other (or at least keeping them under control).

On another angle, this part involving my mom and I, well, long story short, we are and have always been in this tug-of-war striving to strike a balance between holding on and letting go. It's still an issue with her that I migrated to the US to join my husband and build a life here, while leaving them behind -- as they approach their twilight years. But truthfully, I wish I can still be there for them, though I'm very happy with my life here too. I still wish I can be at two places at one time, and I'm still sad that I can't have both worlds. I truly miss them and the other emotional attachments I've left behind -- memoirs of a happy childhood, the old house, my good friends, my roots. It would have been easier to leave had my life been ugly and traumatic over there.

It requires a great amount of bravery to open a new chapter in life. It was hard for me, but I found out that I could do it. Not because I'm great, but because I always try my best. And I'm still trying, in every aspect. Everyday. Husband's family concerns included.

PS.
Oh wow, I just realized the word "TEAM". My husband and I are a team. Awake or not.

Motocross Ride

I know. I usually have a hard time being "disaster-free" when I ride my mountain bike, and now I dream of riding a motorcycle? Odd.

Anyway, in my dream, I was riding a motorcycle really fast across rice fields. I guess that makes it even more odd! I was riding fast, and flying over rice fields, and puddles, and wet fields, and almost hovering, whizzing by as I jump from highlands to low lands and not minding the leap at all, and still staying balanced as ever as if I could give Evil Knievel a run for his money (*RIP*). I knew I was heading somewhere that I was hell-bent on reaching, come hell or high water. I forgot the place, but I had tunnel-vision, only seeing where I wanted to go and not minding the rough ride.

That's all I remember from the dream. Has my soul been flying again? (LOL), or is it the ambitious part of me who's dreaming of flying and soaring high and not falling at all? -- my desire to finally publish my book and have my paintings placed in the art gallery in our hometown. Or is it because we've been riding the rough roads in life lately...with the demise of two important people almost simultaneously, roughing it through the preparations, emotional highs and lows (including family issues ON BOTH SIDES to wrestle with)?

Perhaps all of the above?

Shower

This dream is weird.

I remember that I was going to take a shower in the garage and asked my housemates (we don't have housemates in real life) if I could use it, and they thought that I meant the bathroom and they said yes, not knowing that I'll shower in the garage. And some relatives came and I guess I didn't care if they saw me in my birthday suit since we were family. The water was so strong from the shower head it was pounding on my head.

I know, my dreams are getting weirder than ever. But that's what a dream is for. Anyway, about this family thing -- the one who saw me, I just remembered acknowledging my bloodline and sealing the label "family" with them, and family is family.

About the water, hahaha, I know why. My husband has been getting mad at me for using the strongest mode on our shower head and he strongly believes that it is what's causing my hair to fall dramatically (a big concern at the moment). He insists that I use the soft mode, which I hate since it doesn't rinse the shampoo out as fast.

Money Money Money!

I just remembered this dream from a couple days ago...

All I remember was I was buying something from a vending machine when I found out that the money slot was malfuntioning and there was so much cash trapped on some clips and that I could pull them out and the more I pull out the more money gets dispensed. I thought to myself, oh wow, it's broken and it's giving me money (purple-colored money).

and then...

another image...

I was going somewhere when I had to empty and use a big envelope when I found out that there was so much purple-colored bills inside. And I remember thinking, yippy I got money! I completely forgot about this stash and it was a pleasant surprise!

EASY MONEY? Who doesn't wish for it, especially during these hard times?

I can only say one thing. I guess it's because I've been doing some bills lately and re-figuring the budget. I also thought about wanting and wishing that I win the lotto. Yeah, but first, I have to buy the lotto tickets!

And the purple money...are those hundred peso bills? Philippine money? I guess, one doesn't really forget one's roots.

Sleep Paralysis, my regular guest

Is it a friend or a foe?

It has gotten to be both for me. I used to be scared out of my wits and rather annoyed each time it happened and it happens to me all the time. I can't remember the onset of such phenomenon in my life but I know that I've been experiencing it as far as I can remember. I remember talking to my cousin about it in gradeschool, and him having the same thing and him suggesting that I try my best to move a pinky finger first.

My experience has gone from innocent paralysis when I was younger --with me waking up and wondering what went wrong then shrugging it off, to the scary kind -- a really deep dreamy state with the experience seemingly real to all senses especially visual, auditory, and tactile. The scary part is trying to wake up from it and struggling with all my might. Sometimes, there's seems to be something really heavy on top of my comforter, like this morning.

The good thing I guess, is that, through the years, I have learned to "train" my psyche to be conscious and aware such that I will recognize that I am undergoing sleep paralysis while it happens. For the past months (maybe couple of years?), I've been recognizing it in my sleep and I learned to calm myself and think,"It's one of those again. I must relax and sink back to regular sleep so I will wake up normally in no time, because forcing to wake up will not do me any good." I have learned to PRAY during these moments too. Saying, "Jesus, please take care of me and let me go back to regular sleep so I can wake up without any complications." And usually I would fall back to sleep -- sort of unconscious and sleepy, without the recognition of dreams -- and then I'll wake up. For some reason I would also silently (perhaps subconsciously) think in my sleep to say...time to wake up. And usually, after sleep paralysis, I find myself trying to be in sync in finding that window of waking up in a normal way, moving and all that.

I'm trying my best to describe this phenomenon though it might be hard to comprehend for those who hasn't experienced it. But I'm positive that those who have been experiencing this can understand me fully.

This morning, I had the same thing. But the convoluted part was, while it was happening, I recognized it and was going through my routine of calming myself in my mind and convincing me to just let sleep take over, when I had a dream that I was doing the routine successfully enough, and waking up normally, but since it was a dream in a dream, it felt so real. Like I moved and sat up from the bed but it sure felt like only a part of me was moving. I'm not talking about a body part. I'm talking of 100% all my body parts, but a different dimension. Like I could also feel that I was lighter than the physical state, akin to air, while also feeling that I'm 100% of me (body parts-wise) is also laying down heavily on the bed. I just knew it was hard sitting up while leaving physical molecules behind. HAHAHA.

Was this an astral phenomenon or merely a weird dream? I'm not scared, but I'd settle for the weird dream. Although I am aware that it could be both. I'm thankful I woke up okay. Always thanking God for waking up to a bright new day.

Don't be all freaked out or anything. It doesn't happen to me everyday.

Swimming (across the Atlantic?)

Weird. In my dream, my cousin Eric, his friend with a baby boy, my husband and I went on an aqua adventure. But prior to that, I can't remember the images but I know we were somewhere else on vacation and there were other people too but so far they have slipped into forgottendom.

I just remember being on an island, and in a friend's resthouse. Her mom (seemed like Arnold's mom) was cooking for us as we were planning our ocean escapade. Eric wanted us to cross the ocean to the other island which was hundreds of miles away. He said it was going to take only two hours and we will be wearing our life jackets anyway and we all agreed. I (for some surprising reason) also agreed even if I'm scared of the deep blue sea. In my mind I was hesitant but I decided to soldier on and thought that if I couldn't swim further, then I'll just hold on to my hubby's swim shorts and get dragged along. We were also convincing my cousin's friend to feed his baby with another bottle of milk before the adventure since he's bringing the baby along, strapped to his back while he swims. Realistically, no one will really do that unless one is jumping off a sinking ship or something.

Strange.

Another strange thing too was we went out to inspect a large ship (like the USS Hornet) docked to the shore. It was sitting on a huge glass board/sheet and I told them not to move too much or else the ship might sink. There really was no logic to it. The ship was going to float, regardless, right?

I see a pattern here, with my previous dreams (y'know, driving, cycling...and now swimming?) I'm usually scared, sometimes hesitant, yet soldiering on because that is what's expected of me. I usually just come up with a game plan on how to go about these scary things. Do these dreams demonstrate the phenomenon whenever I cross beyond my comfort zones? I have a tendency to do that.

Am I a scaredy-cat behind a tough-cookie-esque persona? Or do these dreams just show how courageous I can be. After all, when you're courageous, you're courageous. There are no in-betweens. I guess it's true. Brave people get scared too. But we get over it.

BFF

Not so long ago, I wrote about my BFF on my other blogsite during his birthday.

Anyway, I had this strange dream which seemed like it occured at dawn, as in early this morning.

Strange I say, because there are details I can't even write down here, for the protection of the people concerned. Hahaha.

It's all about past memories that came back and visited me for a while in my sleep, such as when he and I used to hang out together a lot, and I meant everyday. And how he spoiled me to bits!!! (I'm happy with my life now but those days were so special that I miss them and will never forget). In my dream I called him to ask if he brought a car to work because if he didn't, he could just walk to my workplace to come and get me and we'll drive home together in my car. Usually, he drove for me. *sigh* Those were the days! Then he asked me what I wanted to eat and I said something and he said, "Okay, we'll get that" and someone at my previous work (Amy) commented that I'm spoiled with him. Something like that. It was a flood of memories.

In my dream too, he wrote a book and mentioned me. It was a rather intimate comment which flattered me and left me wondering in my sleep, "did we or did we not?" It was really puzzling.

Then came other images, like me wanting to use our bathroom but it was dirty and there were yucky brown smears (you know what that is) on the seat.

I'd be direct. I miss my bestfriend. And I'm proud of our friendship. I can and will always shout to the whole world about it, and how close we once were. I treasure them, perhaps the close brushes with "impure" oddments included.

Ay!

Last Weekend's Dream

The only image I remember in my mind is that I was still staying with my parents in our ancestral house and 4 people came knocking at our door and they said were picking me up. They wanted me to go with them somewhere and I looked out the window and said yes right away. And then I debated, "Why will I go with them when I don't even know them?"

Was I being hostile, or just cautious? Does this one show my reservations to strangers? Not exactly to be unfriendly -- because I'm not like that. But when it comes to opening what lies in the the deepest recesses of my heart to people, I usually clam up. I find it hard to trust my life's secrets to anyone NOW after so many hurtful experiences. Or is this dream the voice of my grandmother and my mom who would always tell me to be wary of strangers... (pick who I played with etc) sometimes excessively?

*sigh*

Richard who!?!

Okay okay. So I dreamed of Richard Gomez (an actor in the Philippines), what's the big deal?

The big deal is, in my dream we were going to become "roommates" for some reason. It's like a vacation somewhere. There were images of clear turquoise beach water and other beautiful scenery. It's probably like one of those team-building seminars that I used to get suckered in back in my younger days.

Anyway, so...Duh!?! Richard Gomez!

And in my dream, as soon as I found out that I was going to be roomed with Richard Gomez, I was trying so hard to get a copy of some pictures I had "with" him when I first met him in high school (met him in real life, so yeah...), with his arm around me.

I wanted to have it with me to show him a proof that we met somewhere once before, and that we were together at one place at one time LOL. Why so important? I don't know. In fact, I don't care.

But it would be nice to find those photos again. Maybe when I come home for a visit...

Or this only goes to show how far I am from the "home" where I left so much snippets of my life. I'm struggling to have them all within my reach but they are so far that I am helpless. Surely, I carry memories in my heart, but sometimes we need to touch the proof of these memories too -- in the form of photos, a place, a little piece of fabric...and most especially, people too -- those who I love but cannot tag along with me in my own journey. *sigh*

Driving, again!?

Since I've been busy lately, I really don't remember much of my dreams. Here's what's left of the memory of my dream a few days back:

I went to a place I've never been to before. It's like a farming neighborhood deep into the boonies, but it's like a tropical setting so it must be Philippines. All I remember is being convinced by someone (perhaps a friend) to come with him (or her, I don't even remember) to visit this hut but we had to go down several little alleys in between shanties, and we were walking on dirt and grass and puddles and in my dream I wanted to avoid stepping on the mud but I had to anyway, so I just walked on and tried to ignore my dirty and wet feet. I just kept going and glancing at my feet, but ignoring that and the icky feeling that was building up.

*duh*

(Tolerance maybe? I've been pretty tried with my patience and tolerance lately, and I've been winning *pat on the back, thank you very much*...so maybe it shows in my dreams. "Compassion and tolerance are not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength" - Dalai Lama)

Shift to a different image. I was driving and once again scared because I didn't know where I was heading. In my dream, I was also rooting for myself and convincing myself that it's okay because I'll get to my destination (which in my dream I was scared of because the obstacle was challenging --something like uphill and snaking road and then inside a building's parking lot and out, something like that). Only when I reached the building, there were roads lifting up and down, then conveyor belts connecting to it, giving you little time to maneuver or else you'll fall off if you don't transfer the vehicle to the next zone fast enough. It reminded me of Super Mario and other video games where you have to hop from one floor to another and they keep moving and shifting so you have to time it in such a way that two floors are the same level or close enough. Anyway, in my dream, I was getting ready to step on the gas and zoom the car into the next plank, with all the moves planned in my head because I had to do it like clock work to reach the end. And then I woke up.

Is this my anxiety and fear of the unknown showing up? My courage to conquer challenges no matter how fearful they seem? Trying not to be scared and preparing to soldier on anyway?

Not exactly the most pleasant thing.

But it must be good!

What's up with the bicycles?

Last weekend wasn't the first time within a short period that I had a dream that I'm riding a bicycle -- and the same feeling was attached to the dream: I was scared of riding the bike in my dream.

Dream 1 (about a month ago) - My husband and I had to use only one car to go to work and since we worked in two different places, he had to drop me off close to a freeway somewhere and took my bicycle off the trunk and told me, "You can do it, just stay on the bike lane". Apparently, he had to drop me off at a convenient place so he can go straight to work and I just had to travel the remaining short distance on my bicycle. I was scared but did it anyway. The vehicles were speeding next to me and all of a sudden I COULDN'T FIND THE BIKE LANE and I was so scared with all the vehicles speeding next to me. I was like, "Oh no, what should I do?"

Dream 2 (last weekend) - In my dream, I was on my way home from hula practice when they asked me if I could bring the daughter of our teacher home (or it seems like I offered to drive her home). Though I believe I was a little hesitant because I only had my bicycle with me. But she agreed and even if I was scared, we rode. I was extra-careful with the directions, not wanting to be lost because I might not know my way, especially with the bicycle and the bike lanes. But I think I got carried away riding it that when I looked up on the road, I already found out that I already missed the turn and so I just had to keep going until we reached a road that's almost like like the edge of a cliff and I had to be careful and stay on track otherwise I might fall on the water. I kept going and kept trying hard not to fall on the side, which was difficult because I wasn't very skillful at maneuvering mountain bikes (EVEN IN REAL LIFE!)

That's all, folks. Just baring it all, whatever that bicycle meant!

Math Phobia

I was disappointed yesterday when all I could remember from my dream was that someone was yelling and screaming. The girl looked terrified in a funny way. You know, like those scary comedy movies.

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So anyway, it's amazing how we can remember real memories for life and dreams fizzle out as soon as they are taken over in our minds by real-life thoughts. My take on that is dreams don't have physical anchors (they are not actual memories in the physical world) and so their chance for being recalled is weak. Not like when you're visiting grandma and you can actually smell the stew in her house. In dreams, you see things but never have the support of other senses, which matter a great deal in the foundation of memories.

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And so before I forget (I can sense the information fading away again...) I might as well make a note of last night's dream.

I dreamed that I was still in college (seemed like it) and that I needed to go to my classes and I kept forgetting that I had some kind of intense math class that I FORGOT to attend for three consecutive weeks. In my dream, I was sure I was going to fail the course and I was contemplating of dropping the course just in time before I failed. But my professor (a really nice lady who seemed like one of my highschool teachers) kept on wanting to talk to me and I kept on trying to avoid her.

Weird.

I know there was so much more in that dream, unfortunately I can't remember them all.

The theme seems so typical of me, just being scared of my math courses -- doing so badly and failing to be in the dean's list in some semesters when I could have been just because of my math abilities, or lack thereof. I was surprised that I aced them in my graduate studies and even found myself tutoring some classmates. It was more of my fear being on the first layer before recognizing my real abilities. I also had very poor study habits for math, because of a pre-programming in my head that I would suck at it. Fearing before seeing the real picture. Surprisingly, I can conquer it! But the memories of days past -- especially the nerve-wracking math tests -- still surface once in a while. And perhaps because the death of my spiritual director in college recently brought me back a flood of memories from my college days...

I want to remember the many good times! Not the fear of math!!! LOL

But ain't it rather so typical that we humans automatically remember the bad first?

Butter

Since I am writing this mid-day, most of the details have faded already. I'm sorry.

But here it goes:
I woke up (in the dream) and was in pajamas. I think there was a party that's going to be held in our ancestral house. The day felt that way, people were busy preparing and cooking. I found myself walking away from the house and in the alley toward the neighbors at the back. I saw an old classmate (his name is Marvin) and they asked me what I was doing and I said I was just relaxing and didn't really have anything in mind, and I even tried to prove it by saying, "see? I'm still wearing jammies" Marvin said they have guests coming -- I think it was the city's fiesta because the even seemed city-wide and not just in our house. Everyone was busy preparing something. He told me to melt the butter as people would be coming soon to eat. I had a medium-sized bowl of solid butter which I melted on a tealight candle (a small bowl warmer tray that I have a home -- in real life) and I found that the butter had melted quite fast as I stirred with a spoon and I was happy with the result. I served the bowl of melted butter on their table.

The next scene, it was dark, and it was at our ancestral house. There was a wedding there. Our former housemaid Emma was getting married and was holding the grandest party ever. In my heart, I was happy for her but I was also puzzled why there was a wedding reception in our house. I wasn't questioning why SHE was holding the reception. I didn't care. I just questioned why we were now holding receptions at home.

I'm not sure why I had those images in my dream. Perhaps I regret not being there to see my dream (of turning our old Spanish-style ancestral house to a reception place) come into fruition. We had planned that a long time ago while I was still there, Intramuros-style, elegant, beautiful, quaint.

I've been dreaming of jammies lately too. Perhaps, it's as simple as me wanting and wishful thinking to somehow get some rest. After all, I've been really exhausted in real life lately.

Eeeew! Really!

In my dream, hubby and I just moved to the house that we just bought. It's not the same as our real house, they are in no way similar to each other in terms of structure. The house in my dream is a whole lot bigger, but older and uglier. I think it's in one of those high rise condominiums built in the 80's perhaps even older. It was big alright but it needed a lot of work. In my dream, we had a little housewarming party and I remember feeling "apologetic" about the house, and trying to convince myself and get the affirmation of others that we had a good deal, inspite of all the obvious imperfections. Hubby seemed to feel the same way but he was the usual life of the party entertaining guests.

Tita Fina was there (huh? I just dreamt of her a few days back...but maybe that's why "she" showed up again). She pointed to her daughter, my cousins. I went to say hello to them. They were holding plates and eating and I noticed that they had nice golden bronze puffy and coifed hair. I almost didn't recognize them. So gave Maribel and the other cousin Mayie a kiss. There were three more girls and I didn't realize that one was Ricci until they called my attention. I didn't recognize her because the hair (all coifed head were blocking my view) so I said sorry and said hi and then pretended to be busy.

And then I was surprised that two guys I used to date (AM and JP) showed up and I was jumping up and down, not because I was delighted to see them but because I was happy that I won (saying "winner, winner!"). I don't know what that was about. Perhaps because I had made a bet with someone as to who among the most impossible people to show up will show up. Something like that. Anyway, I was jumping so high my right flipflop slipper snapped.

I said hi to them and JP extended his hand to shake my hand, but I took it and kissed his cheek like a brother and as if it was the most casual thing to do, and it really was! And then I was nervous that they will finally meet, all three of them. AM, JP and my husband? But it wasn't an issue with my husband. The weird part was the thrill that I felt that AM and JP met, which was weird because they belong to two different stages in my life and there was really no way they could have encountered each other.

We hang out outside at the swing. We had a nice big backyard but it still needed work. There were a lot of things that needed work on that house like the outside wall that we could see from the backyard (the cement was chipping away). Inside, the tiles in the bathroom were so dated and I kept asking my husband when we could start fixing it, but we didn't have the funds yet.

And then that night, we were about to sleep, we explored our house and found out that it was really huge with so many rooms and bathrooms. There was one particular bathroom which had yellow tiles and the toilet bowl sat a little bit to the far right, with no tank or cover, just a bowl that was sticking out of the floor. Then husband (like he always does in real life) consoled me that we were going to fix things. And that made me feel better. I said, "Yes, we can divide the bathroom because it's big, and we can put a wall and make a closet on the other side". I checked the other side of the wall, to find out that it was leading to a bigger room, with outside access to a big patio that had several long lap pools (rectagular, maybe 25 feet long, but only 5 feet wide). The tiles were aqua or light-turquoise color and they were really dirty!

In my dream, I said, Oh my, we have swimming pools but they are dirty and that's a lot to clean, and there's no way I am going to bathe in there!

I found out that since it's a condominium complex, some of the pools belonged to other ownders in a another wing. I was just silently convincing myself to be grateful for the amenities.

I went back to the house and was awed some more about how huge it is. One door opening to another room, that has a door opening to yet another big room. There were rooms with a lot of beds (which I figured maybe the previous rented out to bed spaces) until I landed into a really really beautiful room with so many classy furniture and accessories and I said, "Finally, something nice" but a woman was eating on a dining table next to the room (the wide door was open) and she said, this is our space. I think they were the owners of the condominium building. The woman is actually a transvestite, which I judged from her (his?) looks and the voice, and the heavy make-up.

I got sad and inquired (in my typical assertive way when I am confused by seemingly stupid rules set up my smarty pants arses), BUT WHERE IS THE BOUNDARY? HOW DO WE KNOW WHICH SPACE IS OURS -- if you don't lock doors???

I woke up.

*duh*

(Fake) Red Bricks

I am in awe over how unpredictable the mind dances in one's dreams. Imagination gymnastics, in other words.

Last night, I dreamt that I was in my husband's workplace, and waiting for him to finish his job, when I saw that clumps of big fern-like plants everywhere. I asked what those were doing in an automotive shop with only metals, and tools around and certainly it was no place for foliage. Hubby simply told me that they need them for cars because when the ferns are poked, it fold and curls into a ball like a makahiya plant. So I poked one of them and saw that it indeed could curl into a large ball the size of beach balls and thos gymn balls that one uses for workout. I saw that his co-worker Eddie was poking the other balls and so the place looked like there were a lot of green plant balls. I rolled one and saw that there was a caterpillar underneath one and I pointed it out to them. The caterpillar was black and wasn't moving but it didn't look dead. I asked if they were going to take it out but in the next image, I was in a red room (probably the shop still because their floor is really made of red brick tiles)...

It turns out that the room was the workplace's restroom because I needed to take a shower. The restroom was clean and I noticed that the walls and the floor are made of red bricks. The water was running. I realized I was barefoot (which is my pet peeve especially if it's not in my own private bathroom) but in my dream I was surprised at myself that I didn't mind stepping on the bricks because it was so clean and the black lines in between the bricks weren't grime but were prints instead. I realized it was like a textured rubber linoleum of some sort in brick design. Then I was in the locker room after the shower (lounge area actually) and my cousin Joei came in and sat on an elevated platform (the seats there) which were also made of the rubber brick linoleum. She just told me that she was happy to see me because she needed to ask me something about child development, perhaps regarding her baby Amelia. And in my heart I was afraid I won't know anything about it anymore because it's been so long since I worked with kids.

The water was still running on my leg. Which was weird because I was already dressed. It seemed like I was still trying to wash my feet. And I was making someone wait because we needed to go. I don't know about that part anymore.

Something Fishy

Hurry self, hurry. Or I might lose them again...

Arrrrgh, I can't put them together. I don't know which image came first so I'm going to try mentioning them in random bullets:
-We were somewhere. I don't know where but some friends are there, their faces looked different in my dream but I was positive of their identities: Flo, Jeannie and her daughter Gwen and a bunch of other fuzzy faces.
-We were having fun and I was convincing them to stay up late (maybe in our house but the place looked different) and then Flo or Jeannie said, "Sure but we'll have to carry her home, can you carry her?" And I was like, oh no she's heavy (thinking it was someone -- one of those fuzzy faces). Then she said, no her -- pointing to Gwen. And I said, "Oh yes, no problem, if she falls asleep, I'll carry her to the car". Note: Feeling of confidence was suddenly evident and dominant during that time.
-That meant I also have to watch Gwen's pet fish. It's a big fish -- more like a whale of some sort and they entrusted it to me while Gwen was sleeping.
-I was so careless I had put in on our antique/vintage brick oven (all of a sudden the setting was our ancestral house back hom) and then there were flames on he oven and the fish (that was weird because all the while, it had been out of water) -- the fish caught fire, I saw flames coming through his body and out of it's mouth and then I realized that before we were able to rescue it, it had been cooked. It suddenly looked like how a big fried fish would normally look before you eat it, and the meat was coming off the body. Surprisingly, it revealed metal and a wire skeleton instead of normal fishbones. And they told me not to worry because this is the kind of fish that is engineered in a pet shop (maybe like the cyborgs -- like the seemingly human Terminator from the movie). The metal frame and wire were red and blue. The flame kept going and my cousin Martin and another guy were laying down on the top edge of the brick over and he started to roll next to the fish. I screamed and said, "NO! You might get burnt too!!!" so he retracted.
-I didn't feel so bad about the fish anymoresince I realized that it was "easily replaceable" and I didn't feel so bad for the loss of a pet's life. As the meat was slowly peeling out of the frame, a little fish came jumping out (while Jeannie was saying that it bears offsprings!).
-The little fish jumped into my fingers and I held on to it. I was surprised that I caught it between my thumb and index and middle fingers. Normally, I would miss a catch because I have poor reflexes hahaha.
The little orange fish looked like Nemo and it started wriggling on my hands. I was terrified (I don't like little things that wriggle) so I threw it to someone else.

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Then another image. I was napping while sitting on my desk at work (which I NEVER DO, OKAY!!) when I heard my co-worker, Stephanie mumble something that ended with the word "break". And I said (thinking that she wanted to remind me to take my break), I said, "Oh yes, I'm on my break right now." and then I looked at the clock and it said 3:22 or something. I went was 7 minutes over because I fell asleep.

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and yes, this dream needs a lot of time to unlock But I think I have the key somewhere. I'll be back !

A Consoling Hug

I hate it when I wake up and 5 minutes into awake consciousness , the movie in my sleep simply fizzles out of my memory.

The only image I remember from my dream last night was being physically there to console the family (some distant relatives of ours) especially Eric and Abigail because their 30-yr old brother, Jason (my sister's friend) passed away recently (My mom told me the news on the phone last night before I slept). All I can remember was...trying to figure out who to hug first. Abby or Eric? I was reluctant because in reality, I was really never close to them. We have just recently reconnected in Facebook. I picked Eric to hug first because he's the older one. They were really sad in my dream and I didn't know what to say.

That's all I could remember.

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Facebook. That's most likely the reason why thoughts of them have been floating around in my subconsious. Plus the fact that I talked to my sister Trina about Jason and she told me that she was going to the wake. I felt really sad to find out such a young man (as old as my youngest sister-- 30 yrs. old).

The nice part was being there, consoling them in their grief. The reluctance on who to hug first. That's so "me". I would be reluctant not because I'm stuck up, but because sometimes, I'm not sure if people will remember me. Maybe, I'm really shy. Maybe I don't believe much in myself. Or maybe, I just really want to be valued in this life - remembered, acknowledged, treasured.

On the other hand, I would like to believe this proves true the view that the doctor at work and I share (we've had good conversations about this): THOUGHT IS REAL, PHYSICAL IS THE ILLUSION.

If I want to be somewhere, that means I am really there. Dreams could be real. If I hugged someone in my dream, that means I really hugged the person. It doesn't necessarily mean it has to be the kind of hug that we grew up knowing. It could be a cosmic hug that defies physical boundaries. I believe it. Many times in my sleep, I hugged my parents (continents away) in my dreams. Upon waking up, I'm always 100% sure they felt it.

Aga Muhlach (?!), the Dark Room and the Witch

My first reaction when I woke up was... *duh*

Why on earth did I dream of Aga Muhlach (famous actor from the Philippines/former teen idol)...and how on earth did I dream that I was meddling in his love affair with Sharon Cuneta (famous actress from the Philippines). I don't think they have a relationship at all. But they were paired in a movie that I saw with my husband on DVD recently. So, I guess that explains it.

Then moving on to the next parade of fleeting images as most of my dreams consist of, I dreamt that I was laying down on the bed inside my parents' bedroom and for some reason, it seemed like I owned the bed. Like my parent's bed was my bed. It was dark, I could see the outside light (living room's) through the gap under the door. Then all of a sudden, someone knocked on the door. I asked who it was, it was my nephew Miko's voice and he was saying something like he needed to get in to get some stuff inside the room that he had placed earlier in the day. Perhaps he was leaving. That's usually how it happens when we have a party in the house. Anyway, I heard a second voice (my Aunt "Tita" Fina's) and she was getting something too. I told them to wait as I needed to dress "appropriately" changing from PJ's to pants. And in my dream I had a weird feeling that I was irritated because they were interrupting my sleep (and privacy).

And on to the next image...

There was a middle-aged woman (I don't know her!) in a black hood who was practicing witchcraft (wicca-style) in a little room with light green walls and there was a little girl with her. She was mumbling spells that I couldn't comprehend. All of a sudden, Halloween goodies appeared before us. Candies, black and orange themed party favors, candles...As it turned out, she said those spells because she didn't have enough to buy the stuff for the little girl but she wanted to make her happy so she said the spells to produce the goodies for free.

*duh* right?

Were all those visions representing ME? Especially the dark room -- I find PRIVACY as the main theme. I value my privacy. My life is an open book (as you can tell with my blogs) and I'm generous with what I want to reveal and seriously take it against people who tactlessly pry further or cross my boundaries.

The witch. These are probably remnants of my Wicca-phase. And because Halloween, admittedly, is still really my most favorite holiday of the year. I think it's because I just unearthed a picture of the Halloween Pumpkin I entered in the competition in 2008.

On a rather deeper level, I must be the witch.

Wanting to give so much, if only I have more...