Flood Rafting

Overcoming fear (or at least desperately trying to). I noticed that this is a prevalent theme in my dreams.

I have actually forgotten about this dream (from the other night or something) and I forced myself to remember because I knew it was somewhat relevant.

The only thing I remembered was...okay...it's like a scene in THE PERFECT STORM (movie). It was in the middle of the night, there was a big flood -- more like a national/global calamity like, uhm, what was that movie...where New York City froze? The feelings it evoked were the same as from the movie. Like it was the end of the world of some sort and we were relying on some emergency assistance. There's chaos everywhere, people were coming together to help each other, etc etc.

My husband and I were tasked to ... check this out...bring a group of people (family members) on a small raft across the flood (or rough seas) where there was no guarantee of being able to make it nor being able to come back.

Weird. I remember checking all my material belongings and letting go of each one. Holding on to only what was essential. I remember holding on to some stuff that my mom gave me, or something that ties me to her. I remember feeling very sad to be leaving behind sentimental stuff (not necessarily because of their material value -- but more of the deeper meaning they brought forth). EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENTS!!!

My husband came and asked," Are you ready to cross with me?" and I put on my life jacket (just like in the movies!!!), turned around and said yes. I was ready. In my heart, something made me feel so brave. Heroic, almost.

This dream is really interesting because with it came out a lot of what's inside me. Recently, when my mother-in-law passed away, my husband's cousin tried to bring the family together (in-laws and "outlaws" included). I was hurt personally, because she didn't see nor recognize (well, how could she know, she's not really around immediate family all the time), how my husband and I in the past three years have tried to work so hard to keep his family together, even if that meant running face to face with bitches, I soldiered on, working hand-in-hand with my husband to keep the family together, inviting ALL of them to our parties at home, or when we felt like going out.

The dream sort of reminds me of how hubby and I really are in real life -- trying to be lifesavers, albeit not very successful on it, and how this role affects our personal life too. Nonetheless, lifesavers we are, baby-sitting 40-yr old siblings, rescuing confused teens, keeping bitches at peace with each other (or at least keeping them under control).

On another angle, this part involving my mom and I, well, long story short, we are and have always been in this tug-of-war striving to strike a balance between holding on and letting go. It's still an issue with her that I migrated to the US to join my husband and build a life here, while leaving them behind -- as they approach their twilight years. But truthfully, I wish I can still be there for them, though I'm very happy with my life here too. I still wish I can be at two places at one time, and I'm still sad that I can't have both worlds. I truly miss them and the other emotional attachments I've left behind -- memoirs of a happy childhood, the old house, my good friends, my roots. It would have been easier to leave had my life been ugly and traumatic over there.

It requires a great amount of bravery to open a new chapter in life. It was hard for me, but I found out that I could do it. Not because I'm great, but because I always try my best. And I'm still trying, in every aspect. Everyday. Husband's family concerns included.

PS.
Oh wow, I just realized the word "TEAM". My husband and I are a team. Awake or not.