Dead People

I dreamed of two family members and a household help who have been long dead. For two nights in a row:

1. In my dream, my grandmother was still alive then (or appeared to be although I knew while it was happening that she had been dead for a long time). It's funny how in my dream, I just sort of accepted the fact that she was there even if I knew she shouldn't be. It was like two truths in my head co-existing just like that. Even Nanay Ana was there. She was our loyal cook while I was growing up. In my dream, we were in the midst of a flurry of activities...I coudn't quite pin the memory down. Was it in the middle of a move, or travel, or a trip somewhere? We were in an old house with cream/light yellowish-colored walls. It wasn't our ancestral house. Then Nanay Ana told us that she already got did everything that my grandmother needed to be done, like put up the picture frames on the wall. There were large nails on the wall and we wondered why she used large ones. I mean, they were big, humongous, dowel-like nails that were holding the frames on the wall...almost like daggers that bore through the wall rather crudely.

2. The next day, I dreamed of my uncle (my mom's brother), Tito Billy. He's been long gone. But in my dream, it's the same way, I was aware that he was dead, but didn't really resist the fact that he was there, like it's normal. I noticed that his skin was so flawless (he had a lot of dots and age spots and freckles when he was alive), almost like makeup by the coroner's perhaps? anyway, in my dream I asked him if I could tell the others that I saw him or something like that,b but it seemed that he didn't want me to. Then, I saw him walking in front of my other uncle (Tito Father) and he sort of blended with the group/crowd and I decided to bend forward to his direction to give him a kiss too like I was doing with the rest -- greeting them hello, but while I was doing it, he suddenly disappeared...faded away...vanished before my eyes. I was disappointed. I thought he was going to stay, but didn't.

Is it all because we are having this big family reunion next month? Is it because at the back of my mind, I wish they were still here to have fun with us -- not for me but for my mom and the rest of her siblings who will get together? Is it because, in a paranormal sense, they are telling me that they will be there nonetheless???

Sleep Paralysis

I haven't had sleep paralysis in months. And I just realized it a few weeks ago. I don't exactly miss it. But I miss the feeling of triumph every time I come out of it without having to stress through the process. Almost like I've mastered waking up from it -- like I've finally learned how to have a grasp of things while it happens, take it by the neck and put it back to its place. It's something I'm proud of but I don't talk about because it's strange.

And then I had it this morning after all these months! Did my recent thoughts on it cause it to happen??? It happened this morning during my usual window of extra sleep after my husband leaves for work and before I rise to get ready for mine. In my dream, there was a ruffling of sheets and a little shaking on the bed next to me. My eyes were closed but it felt like it was my husband stirring. IT FELT SO REAL. LIKE I COULD ALMOST FEEL THE MOVEMENT AND HEAR THE SOUNDS. Then I couldn't move. I guess was tiptoeing between conscious and unconscious. I was almost 100% sure (in my sleep and while I couldn't move) that it wasn't my husband causing it and I knew in my sleep that I was having sleep paralysis -- and this launched me into employing the techniques I've learned through time. I tried to relax instead of panic, waited, and moved my left hand. I was successful, and my right hand followed. And then I was awake. It's like night and day difference, which happened in split second. Almost like sleep had a door and I suddenly got out of it. It felt that way.

Looking back, it must have been some heavy freight trains going by in my area in the morning --they tend to cause our house to vibrate sometimes. Maybe that physical event intersected with my sleeping subconscious and created the dream explaining the physical event of movement by route memory of the senses.

In a paranormal/parasychological perspective, maybe a spirit visited me? But I'm not scared. I know in my heart that I am strong enough not to let them pierce through the walls of my own spirit. Too bad!!! Hehehe. God always protects me. I always trust my soul to him and rest in his bosom while I sleep. That's why I don't fear these things... It's a gift!

But I'm inclined to believe it is the train that might have caused it. And I'm just happy to be sort of "awake" in my sleep. It's a skill!

A Dream suddenly recalled -- Broom

It's amazing how the brain works. I could swear I can no longer remember some dreams of late that I've been trying to squeeze off my mind until yesterday, while I was driving home, I suddenly remembered one:

In my dream, my parents were finally here for a visit and they brought me my order of the Glitter Tattoo set that I used to earn a little money from as a side business when I was still in the Philippines. I used to be hired as a tattoo artist in children's parties. In this dream, I ordered a bunch, with so many refills of different colored glitter dust in those tiny bottles! I was so happy, even the kits (it's like a small toy toolbox) were shrink-wrapped (like how the bottles were when you order the refills).

How funny that I wasn't even thinking about it. But it's true that my parents are coming, and I'm looking forward to what they can bring for me which aren't accessible here for me. Maybe it's my subconscious suggesting that I do it here again. I know there is some potential in it. It's like a light bulb. Maybe I should call my contact and have my parents pick it up before they come here.

Yippy!

PS. Oh, I just remembered! The kits came with a broom. They never did. I mean, what's up with the broom???

Random Recollections

• In my dream, I was drinking beer. The bottle was almost finished when I realized that I had given up alcohol for Lent. And I was so disappointed at myself for forgetting. I sincerely didn't remember and I wanted to kick myself for breaking my promise. I think this is self-explanatory. Sometimes, when there are times when I "slip" it's not because I wanted to but because I'm just too scatter-brained to remember.
• In my dream, we went on a field trip somewhere and passed by some small bodies of water, like a long rectangular pools? Or rice paddies? It felt funny because I was flying by above them. As if I was viewing from a window of an airplane that's about to land. The images were small so I couldn't be on the same plane as them. I was above them. I was watching from my right side, as if I was peeking through the window while we go lower and lower. . But in my dream, I wasn't on a plane. I could even feel the wind. Could I have been flying? Astral traveling? Again???
• Water again. This is the only piece I remember a dream I had about two weeks ago. That someone was asking me to walk on water? And I said no I can't do that. I'll sink. But we got closer to the water and I saw that there's a small panel (like a narrow bridge) under the top of the water, maybe just a few inches from the top of the water, enough to step on and appear like you're walking on it, but in reality, there is something solid underneath. And I said, oh, this is how people are able to cheat, like in a magic trick. I've always believed that there is a way to achieve something impossible....and it is by coming up with solutions in order to work around a predicament. It's my favorite task...finding solutions...but I didn't say I love that I love the stress that it comes with!

This dream is fresh! Just last night... (coz sometimes I wait a little to enter it here electonically)

There were so many random images so I'm not sure about the sequence. Anyway, here they are:

1. The hubs and I went somewhere and we rented a car. We were given two cars instead of one. Mine was a light yellow sportscar -- I forgot the name. I think it's not a valid car name. It sounded like Jaguar but it's really something else...Jetsports? J-cooler. Funny. I was scared because I didn't want to drive and travel by myself in unfamiliar territory
2. We went to a big house I just remembered white and green interior and the size was almost like a building (the study hall) in the university I attended. When we were inside, we kept going deeper into the mansion and we passed a big open door with curtains and it felt so cold, like the airconditioner was blasting. It was so cold, not the scary kind of cold, but just the a/c blasting, I could almost feel the waft. Then all of a sudden it was reeking of illness. Not necessarily rot, just disease. There were rows of single beds...like a hospital ward or a traditional dormitory and I saw old people laying down on each. I think it was a care home or a seniors hospice care of some sort. I felt so sorry for the old people. some were bloody (but not dead)...maybe the blood was oozing from regular wounds. One was bloody on her chest. I could smell it, like something fishy. It was unpleasant but I was riding along with it, not complaining, because I didn't want to offend them. Plus, it was bearable for me and I could really soldier on. Most of the "patients" were overweight, and I meant humongous and deformed because they have filled up and gotten so big on the wrong places of their body...like elephantiasis, and the like.
3. We were outside with my parents. I think we were taking them out for some sight-seeing. The view was absolutely awesome, almost like one of the most wondrous works of nature I've ever witnessed. Really beautiful. It's almost like being in the movie Avatar (maybe that's where my dreaming mind got the idea from). Like floating clouds or fog? Hanging mountains? Lots of green. And a really wonderful view of the ocean. We were outside, but it appears that we were high on top of something, like a rooftop of a skyscraper. And we were enclosed in glass. It was like a tourist spot, almost. I found out that it was like one of those rotating restaurants. But sadly, we started to spin around too fast. And in different random directions like a wild roller coaster ride. Too fast that I got so dizzy in my dream.

For Scene #1: I can't think of any explanation for this except for what it really is... I hate to drive, especially in unfamiliar places. I'm just a scaredy cat like that.

#2: We were just talking about what my husband and his siblings are going to do with the carehome -- since their mom passed away following a bad fall while under their care(hemorrhage). They were actually just thinking of letting it go instead of sue them. I really don't care what they decide on, I'll fully support them. But maybe that's why I dreamed of it. About the coldness of the place, maybe physiologically, it just had gotten too cold for me last night.

#3: I can't wait til my parents come and visit because we'll definitely bring them around, and see different places. Maybe I got dizzy because I was dizzy in real life? Oh no, am I being unhealthy again?

A Moviestar borrowed by celphone and never returned it!

It's a funny dream alright. I was in a place where there was some events going on. I heard that Bea Alonzo (a movie celeb in PI) was coming and in my dream, it's like I knew her personally or we had some connections.

We saw each other and she needed a celphone so I let her use my iPhone (I can vividly remember seeing the pink protective casing as I handed it to her). I think I was being hospitable or welcoming, but at the back of my head I was like "Yeah! I can tell the world that a moviestar used my mobile!!!". She also took a lot of pictures with it (so I was happy that I get to keep some of the photos as proof that she used it! *duh*) I remember that she and i were thinking of ways how she can get the pictues out so she can keep copies for herself.

But the day dragged on and she never returned my phone. That's what I get for trying to be nice to someone popular.

Then I was inside the car (the backseat) and about to leave when I saw two of of the young ladies I used to dance hula with. They started waving at me, then running after the car as if asking us to stop. So we stopped, I rolled down the window and one of them (Rosie?) told me something about going back to hula.

I'm not sure what to make out of this dream. The celeb part -- I guess, I must admit that knowing some popular people or being connected to them at one point in my life is actually cool. But that's all there is to it. There were times when I was excited to share to the world that someone actually wanted to date me but I couldn't, and I would talk in puzzles to friends just to let some feelings out. And that there was this kind of popular guy who kept calling me at one point. It was fun telling some friends about it, but that's it. At the end of the day, you realize they are real people too, and in fact, you realize that it's very brave of them to trust you with their innermost feelings and pain -- when you can easily use that against them, or shout to the world about it. I kept a lot of secrets that this person told me...many times I was tempted, not because I wanted to ruin him, but because I wanted to scream to the whole world that we share this deep connection and I was liking it. Though I couldn't. And I wouldn't. Never ever will!

About the hula girls...that was from Facebook. I heard that they are going back to hula this summer. I think it came out in my dream because I was having the same situation. I haven't gone to a single class for the past months, and I'm planning to go back and dance again. With my hula sisters.

Vintage Magnolia Bottles and the PLANT (again)

Okay, so in my dream, we were re-organizing our work area and moving things around (which makes sense because we are actually expanding at work, and managers are moving -- although not really my department). Then out of the blue, someone told me, I think it was Olaf from the warehouse, he told me that I could take the plant home and that he's got my back because he's friends with the plant guy (the plant maintenance guy who comes in once a week to water, and dust the plants). I was hesitating, but someone just cut a big stem off and told me that I could take it home, and so I put it in a huge plastic bag and brought it to the trunk of my car (which looked like the back of a van, actually) or perhaps my CRV back home. It appeared that someone was driving for me (Raquel's brother?), and we got busy packing my car with other stuff I could take home from what seemed like an office give-away or yard sale. (I think I also saw my old friend Adoralyn in my dream). I remember looking through vintage Magnolia glass bottles and I was so excited I wanted all of it. I was focused on a glass bottle that was shaped like a big shoe and I remember muttering, "My dad will like this!" and also a big pitcher, and some chocolate and milk bottles I remember from my childhood.





I don't know what to make of this strange dream -- but one thing is for certain, I still yearn for a Massangeana Cane plant like what I have at my cubicle at work:

I want one for the corner of my kitchen and one for my living room, and I still don't want to spend a single cent for it. So I am still hoping that one day, I will get one for free. Like old vintage bottles and anything with an antique flair -- which I have so much passion for. And if they're free, it's more meaningful and so much better. And my dad! We just share a lot of the same interests that most of the time, I see something that he would like and stuff like that...

The driver -- maybe I miss someone driving for me on my errands? Or maybe I just struck a window, like a mere intersection of past memories, short-circuiting in my brain. Like having Adoralyn there. Just recently, I posted a shoutout in Facebook addressed to her, telling her to stay in touch (because we've been checking out old photos of our highschool class that our classmate posted on Facebook).

I still want a plant though...

Hubby's Ex and my Mother-in-law, not exactly in the same scene

Funny. This will be brief because I hate talking about her. I hate THINKING about her, hahaha. Anyhoo, in my dream, she was still talking a lot to my hubby, like everytime she needs something, consult something, need help on something (which actually was how it was -- still is sometimes-- in real life). In my dream I was just tired of it, but also sort of laughing because she still seemed desperate to have a piece of him, even in little instances (or every opportunity) when she needs help or something. In my dream, I saw a wedding invitation which I thought was hers. I felt kind of relieved that she was finally marrying off and someone else can finally take care of her. But it was a false alarm, it turned out it was her sister getting married. The ex wasn't getting married yet after all. Which was rather disappointing...

I can't wait for the day that she finds someone else so someone can finally take care of stuff that only men can take care of, like car problems, gymn problems...stuff like that. Or that I don't want her to bother us no more. On a deeper level, maybe I want her to be happy too. Har har har!

Early in the morning, shortly after my husband leaves for work, and before I officially rise for work, I usually have that window of light sleep. Following the Dream about hubby's EX, I dreamt that someone was throwing slinkies on our staircase, it felt so really I could almost hear it from the bedroom. I felt a little scared and thought it was a ghost -- but I usually dismiss these things. I'm not really scared of ghosts, I was probably excited to witness one and conquer it. I don't wish to see one, but if I do, I know I'll try to confront it and see if I can help it move on, or see if there is a message for me at all (hopefully a winning lotto ticket!). That's when I had a dream that my dead mother-in-law was hugging me. Actually, she felt so alive, and we were dancing (some kind of waltz -- like in a celebration of some sort). She was wearing the deep orange sweater I gave her one Christmas. My arms were around her waist-- it felt so real, and she was holding me too. Then I woke up.

I don't know what to make of this. In a paranormal perspective, maybe she did visit me. In the dream, she was almost like trying to cheer me up. Or we were in the middle of something joyous. Maybe, psychologically, I just yearn for that "something joyous" over what's going on in my husband's family and the estate and trust issues, following her death last year. Maybe I yearn to show everybody that I didn't go amiss with my responsibilities as a daughter-in-law (the sweater, and dancing with her) while she was still alive and I'm proud I have no regrets about how I treated and loved her.

My Old Friend

In my dream, my bestfriend of 20+ years and his wife and kid visited me here in the USA. It was just a little weird, he hugged me and asked if it's possible for me not to go to work and I said it's okay. We could all spend the day somewhere else. What's weird about it was I was worried about missing work -- which actually was like school, because I was going to miss my PE class and I might not graduate. Something like that.

Then there was so much randomness in the images that followed -- us going to a hotel and I got lost. All the furniture were big, like exaggerated big, I felt like Alice in Wonderland. Then another fleeting image of us being in a house somewhere, I think it's in PI. But there was some comotion next door at the neighbor's house, someone was murdered. I saw the cops carrying the body and it was in a very crude plastic bag. It brushed my leg, and I saw it, and I realized it was a dead child.

The first scene with my bestfriend (well, first of all I just looked at their photos in Facebook, so maybe that's why they figured in my dream) shows a recurrent theme in my past dreams. Being worried and overcome with anxiety about forgetting a homework, coming to class unprepared, taking a test without studying, waking up late for school or work because the alarm clock didn't go off, or just completely forgetting a responsibility and being so scared that it would get me in so much trouble.

I guess I grew up having that fear and so much pressure in my environment in my real life. My grandmother neatpicking on my spelling...comparing me to my cousins...my fleeting attention (Attention Deficit?) and artistic nature, trying to cope with it by catching myself and usually failing to do so. Having so many ideas in my head while being stuck in a paradigm that other people -- like my parents (though they didn't have bad intentions and were merely doing what they know best) -- have defined for me. And trying to live up to it. Trying so hard to the extreme that it was rather maddening. It always felt like not being where I have always wanted to be and forcing it in because of fear. I'm far away now, with a complete reign on my life (I'd like to think so), but that fear still comes out sometimes. It took me a while in my adult life to realize that it's okay to be out after dark because I was already an adult. I was just too scared of my grandmother.

The next random scenes? Watching too much Criminal Minds on CBS and A&E (staying up too late on marathons) is responsible for that.

Or is it?

Triple Treat

It's been months since I updated this Dream Journal. I've been busy with some others. I'm sad because most of the dreams that visited me through those months of absence have now sunken completely in the abyss of forgottendom (is there such a word hahahah).

Here are snippets from three dreams that I managed to retain in my memory:

1. My mom and dad visited me here in the US and I introduced them to my stepdaughter's mom (who I'm actually friends with) but my mom just politely said hi and seemed not to agree with my gesture.

It's hard to explain. Back home, this might be frowned at, but I treat my stepdaughter's "other" family (her real mom, her stepdad and her little sister) as my extended family. Our relationship is good (not just civil, but actually more than that)...we've formed this friendship that looks after first and foremost, my stepdaughter's welfare and well-being, and also after ourselves...it's just peaceful, warm and nice. I feel lucky. But I've also done my part as much as they have done theirs. The only thing I'm worried about sometimes is my parents' concerns. They are quite traditional and conservative. I think it's my mom's fear of me getting hurt, or things going ugly. But I still yearn to make her understand that it's all okay. I still fear that she won't understand. Especially when the time comes that they might all meet.

2. We had a small gathering somewhere back home, a beachfront. It was huge. And I found myself admiring the view and the sunset while lounging on a beach chair And then I was told that they were our property. But in that dream I was leaving soon, for USA. And in my heart I was regretting a little bit having to leave that paradise and eventually being nowhere close to it.

This dream speaks for itself. Oh the comfort, resources and stature I gave up and left to pursue the love of my life in America. For me, it's really the other way around. Big time.

3. We were attending a fiesta in the Philippines. Shuttling from dad's ancestral house to mom's ancestral house...it was chaotic with all the guests. I remember walking in a pathway were there's so many people celebrating, it smelled like smoke from the caterers' warmers (and live cooktops -- sizzling beef and stuff? Mongolian?). Then mommy called me to tell my dad that she needs reinforcement from the caterer in the other house. she needs some eggs cooked/fried.

Weird. But a typical slice of fiesta life back home. I don't think my mom will ask help from the other caterer though. Sometimes, mom's food is the rescuer when the others run out.

What do all of the above tell me about what occupies my subconscious? Am I weighed down by the past and the home I wish to carry with me every I go? Is that good or bad?